Dear Boo,
We have been friends since the 4th grade. I remember you always wearing your heavy metal band tees, with your long hair.
Our backyards were just across the alley from eachother. We would walk the neighborhood being silly, playing, causing trouble, breaking into empty houses and making them our hideout.
I remember staying out late, sitting under the streetlamps, talking about anything and everything.
We were friends up into junior high.
I made new friends, you made new friends...but we stayed friends.
You and your friends were a little more advanced than I was. Experiementing with alcohol, pot...not my thing.
But you never made me feel "uncool" or did anything around me that would make me feel uncomfortable.
We became like magnets somewhere along the way, drawn to eachother. Anytime we were near eachother, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. It wasn't in a sexual way, but just drawn to eachother. We always sat right next to eachother, one of us would have our legs propped up on the other. Or we'd sit in the recliner together, legs wrapped up together. Like we couldn't get close enough. Even if we were "seeing" someone else. We were best friends.
Magnets, that's all I can compare it to.
Remember the night me and Sam snuck out to come over to your house? We watched "Drop Dead Fred" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space". You made fun of me because I was seriously scared of the clowns. They were creepy!!
Aferwards, we all went in your room to listen to music and talk. We were still just in junior high. But we layed in your bed talking in the dark, listening to music, feet again tangled in eachother. We woke up the next morning at 6 a.m., Sam and I had to sneak out of your window and walk home. We were just praying we wouldn't get caught. We didn't, but I ended up telling my mom about it anyways. Because she knew we were just friends.
The joke after that...what we told people, was that we had slept together. Because in reality, we had SLEPT right next to eachother. Silly kids.
Within the next few weeks, we talked and thought...why don't we try it out as a couple? We get along great, we love eachother, we're best friends, we make eachother laugh.
So, we did it! We were "going out". Some of our friends didn't like it. Mutual friends and seperate friends. It bothered me a little, but not you. You asked me whose life I was living? Theirs or mine? Who am I responsible for making happy? Them or me?
Oh, you wise one...way beyond your years! ;)
Do you remember that one night...when we were "going out" and I was at your house. We were hanging out in the backyard, listening to the radio. You were about to walk me home.....across the alley to my backyard, we stood up and were hugging and Garth Brooks came on. The Dance.
And we slow danced....(swayed back and forth hugging) under the stars.
It was our song. Not really, but over the years and until today, it always reminds me of you and that night.
Of course, two weeks later, we decided that we were better off as friends.
Weird, but nothing seemed to change...between the time that we were friends, to "boyfriend and girlfriend" to back just being friends. Nothing ever changed...just the "title" of the relationship.
Of course, we stayed friends....all the up into high school.
We may have went weeks without talking or hanging out, but all one had to do was pick up the phone and give the other a call. There we'd be...right where we left off from last time....and we'd talk on the phone for over 2 hours. We'd sometimes fall asleep talking to eachother on the phone.
Now, I'm not saying we didn't have our arguments. I'm sure we did. Although I can't really recall many.
One time we got into it was because I asked you to go to church with me one weekend. We never went, but there was one right down the road. I was like...why not? Let's check it out. You said, no...you were an atheist.
I said you couldn't be an atheist, because I wasn't an atheist. And I was going to heaven one day and I wanted YOU there with me!! I told you you'd be so sad in hell without me, too! And you said,"Stephanie, I'm atheist, therefore if I don't believe in heaven, I don't believe in hell". Well, aren't you so clever. We agreed to disagree on that subject.
Remember the craziness of when we were 16?
I had just started seeing Gage's dad. You said he was cool, but I could do so much better.
I said it wasn't anything serious. We were just hanging out.
One day you asked me to come over and hang out. So, I went to your apartment, we decided to go see "Wayne's World 2".
Man, we loved Wayne's World! So, we went to see it and then for some reason, went back to my house to hang out.
We were in my room watching "The Real World" on MTV...back when it was cool, ya know?
And I don't know what came over us, but out of no where, we started making out! Why?? Why did we do that? I still have no idea. But....you were seriously, like so close...to being my first. THAT'S how CLOSE we were.
Luckily the phone rang...and it was my mom. When I hung up I sat there staring at the tv. You sat up and we looked at eachother...and we were both like....what the hell was that?!? You drove me back to your house so I could pick up my car. You told me to stop by tomorrow.
The next day, when I stopped by we laughed about it and agreed that it was just a huge mistake. About as huge as the hickey I had left on your neck!!
With anyone else...it would've been weird. It would've changed any kind of friendship I had...because in the years to come...that kind of thing happened a few more times. And it got weird.
But it never did for us. We were still us.
It was just another story for us to laugh about later on down the road.
You moved a few times before we graduated.
But we stayed in touch, still talking on the phone for hours at a time.
When you came in town you always made time to see me. I would get a babysitter for Gage and we would just drive all over town, talking.
I wonder how we never ran out of things to say?
Within the last 10 years, we grew apart. Only staying in touch through emails.
You moved from place to place. Arizona, Las Vegas, Austin.
You finally settled down in Dallas, you got married, had a kid.
A couple years went past. We even lost touch. But I always thought about you. And wondered how you were.
Then out of no where I got a call from you. You were in town and wanted to meet up for a drink.
By that time I was a single mom, raising two boys. It was just too late for me to find someone to watch my kids, so I passed.
But we started up talking again...staying in touch.
Through emails, of course.
We always laughed about how things change and we were now talking about work and kids.
Last year, I sent you an email. Just telling you I was thinking about you and I missed you. That I hoped you were doing ok.
You emailed me back and told me thanks, that it felt good to hear from me. You asked for my number, so we could catch up.
The next day you called me. And we talked for a long time. Not hours like we used to, but longer than I find myself on the phone now days.
You confided in me that your wife left you. You were having a hard time with it. You wanted to meet up next time you were in town. Get some drinks and talk. You said you would be down in a couple weekends. I said that was great, I'd be sure to have a sitter, so we could hang.
Over the next two weeks, you called me everyday. Numerous times a day.
I started ignoring your calls.
The thing is, Boo, people change. I was no longer that girl that would sit on the phone for hours and talk. I was a single mom, raising two boys on my own.
I had problems of my own. I didn't have the free time I once had.
In fact, I had turned into this person that pushed people away. I was tired of being dependent others and even more tired of people being dependent on me.
I decided that all I wanted it to be was me and my boys. I was going to live for them and do it on my own. I had no time for others.
But when you first called me, I thought, he's my oldest friend ever. I have to make time for him. Then the phone calls came and I started feeling this neediness from you that I didn't like. I just couldn't handle it, not at that point in my life.
I blew you off. I stopped answering your calls, your texts, your emails.
Then one day, you gave up.
I thought...thank God!! He was getting so annoying!!
You deleted me as your friend on Facebook. I didn't care.
Then one night I had a dream about you. I guess you had been in the back of my mind. I knew I should've been there for you. You were going through enough, I shouldn't have done that.
I started feeling guilty, I had a
heavy heart.
I wanted to apologize so bad, but I didn't know how. I didn't know where to being.
I thought about it for months.
And then.....three weeks ago, you asked to be my friend on Facebook again.
I was so relieved and worried at the same time. I knew now was my chance to tell you how sorry I was.
It took me a few days, but I finally messaged you.
It felt so good to tell you how ashamed I was of myself for not being the friend to you that you always were to me. I knew if I had just taken the time to see you, and explain to you what was going on in my life at that moment...you would've been there for me again...even if you were going through a hard divorce.
That's just the kind of guy you are.
When you (immediately) wrote me back, I cried reading your message to me.
You thanked me for writing you. You said that you were going through a lot at the time, but you knew I was too. You said it was all in the past. We've been friends too long to let something so small get in the way of what we've always had.
Way to make me feel worse, jerkface!
So, Boo....Saturday night, I took Zac to stay the night at his nana's. Gage was, of course, off with his friends, as always.
I didn't really have anything to do, so I decided to go work my part time job for a couple hours. I worked from about 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. It was kinda scary, being in the dark doctor's office all alone at night!
Then it started storming, really bad. When I left, it was raining so hard, I could barely see out the windshield. My drive home was slow. Usually a 15 minute drive anyways...turned out to be about 30 minutes.
I thought about you, Boo. On that drive home. I thought that sometime this week, I'd write you. See if you were coming to town the coming up weekend. Zac would be with his dad, Gage...well, off with friends, of course.
I thought I'd see if you'd come in town, we could grab that drink. Talk about old times.
It brought a smile to my face, just thinking about it. I, too, could use an old friend right about now.
Sunday morning, I woke up. I picked up Zac from his nana's. We went to the grocery store. I cleaned house.
I sat down to watch a movie I had recorded, "Hereafter".
I wonder if you've seen this movie.....
I thought, if Matt Damon were to touch me...who would he see? Would there be anyone that cared enough to have something to say to me?
Zac came running in the living room, wanting something to eat. I pushed pause and made him some chicken noodle soup.
I sat back down and thought I'd get caught up on all my Words With Friends games I had going.
Then of course, I had to check Facebook.
And I saw it.
From Adrien to Boo....a sweet message, asking where you've gone...asking for it not to be true...saying that you will be missed.
I called Adrien and could barely understand the sobbing. I said,"No! What happened?"
We cried for you, Boo.
You're only 11 days older than me. You're too young to be gone.
I thought about you all night. I fell asleep crying for you.
Wishing I had seen you one last time.
Wishing I had gotten one last hug.
Wishing I were there for you when you needed me most.
I love you, Boo.
For you:
Our song....
The Dance. how fitting.
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
Rest in Peace Patrick Michael Bertram aka Boo.
02/05/1978-09/17/2011