Oh what tangled webs we weave....

....when first we practice to deceive.

A woman's intuition is an amazing thing. If only they would listen to it more often. But a woman wants proof. And goes looking for it, and searching for it. Why all the heartache? Why all the wondering? Why do they question themselves? If they feel it with that strong intuition, that only a woman has....then it's probably the truth.

It has taken me a long time to learn to trust myself and my gut feelings. Deceiving from another, to get want they want. Lies. Hidden truths...which I also consider lies.

But sometimes no matter how much you feel it, you just don't want to believe it. So, you go on lying to yourself. But still looking for the truth, that you know is there.

And that, ol' son of mine....is why I have chosen to stay single. There's just not many people out there that you can trust anymore.

:)

a lovely Saturday.....

So, I just got home from babysitting my niece and nephew. The little sweeties! They went swimming with Zac. Oh...and ohmygosh!! It's 105 degrees outside! Ridiculous!!

I am about to get off this computer and CLEAN HOUSE! It's just a mess. Zac wanted Lucia and Jack to come over and play, but there's no way I could get my house clean with four kids here!! It's hard enough with the two I have. :)

Some new postcards. :)

This is from Rika in Munich, Germany. She said this castle is not far from where she lives. She said it is the Disney inspired castle. Too cool. :)

This one is from Thirza, she's from Northern Ireland. Ohhh, how I dream to go to Ireland someday!! She said her 2 daughters said this would be a good card for me, since I like scary stuff...and they said this is pretty scary. haha.

This one is from Sarah in Massachusetts. Ohhh, it's Medusa! I looooved Medusa in Clash of the Titans. :) (the original is the best). I love this card. It's like...scary, but pretty. haha.

I love them all!

Ok, now I'm off to clean house. Good stuff, yo.

True Romance

Man, I'm so glad today is Friday! Tomorrow I get my Zackary back, finally! It's been a long month without him. I can't believe just a few more weeks and school will be back in. :(

Everytime I think about Gage going into high school, I literally start having a panic attack. I can't believe my baby is going to be a Freshman this year!! O.M.G. I feel the tightening in my chest right now, just writing about it. Starting high school is such a scary thing! And girls....man, the girls these days. They're so freaking fast! I think they're worse than the boys these days! Ohhh, I don't want to think about it!!!


So, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy a quite, peaceful, lazy weekend.


I'm going to go get me some Taco Bueno and watch "True Romance"! One of my all time favorite movies! :)

Clarence is a lonely man and his boss hires a call girl to "accidently" run into him and show him a good time on his birthday.

Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette

(Clarence and Alabama)

They fall in love. Awwwww. It's TRUE Romance. :)

He goes to get her stuff from her pimp and accidently grabs a suitcase full of cocaine.

Gary Oldman plays Drexl. Alabama's pimp. I LOVE Gary Oldman, and I absolutely love him in this role. He cracks me up!!!!

So, Michael Rapaport, he plays Dick. He's a friend of Clarence's, who is going to try to help him find someone to buy the suitcase full of cocaine.

Brad Pitt...before he was famous, plays Dick's pot-head roommate, Floyd. That's pretty much all he does. Lays on the couch smoking pot, watching tv.

"True Romance" has a lot of good actors in it!!

Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, James Gandolfini, Chris Penn, even Val Kilmer....although you wouldn't know it was him, because he's only in the background....as Elvis.

Ok, it may sound kinda stupid....but it's soooo good!

Watch it!....if you haven't already! :)

Ok, I'm going to go get started on my quite evening in. :)

Happy Friday!

Fill in the blank Friday

A post by Lauren

1. The last thing I do before going to sleep is:
pray.

2. When I can't sleep I:
turn on my blowdryer...to blow on my feet (they're always cold and the sound is relaxing!) and play Sudoku on my phone.

3. The first thing I do when I wake up is:
hit snooze about 3 times, then slowly drag myself out of bed.

4. When I'm tired I get:
kind of delirious. I start saying stupid stuff and laughing at the most ridiculous things. :)

5. My dream bedroom would be:
completely dark. Dark walls, dark floors, dark curtains. A window unit, so it will be super cold. A comfy bed full of soft blankets to cuddle up in.

6. If I could wake up anywhere tomorrow morning it would be:
in Robert Pattinson's bed.

7. The longest sleep I've ever had was:
after I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was full of pain medication and slept for a loooong time!

8. I sleep on my:
bed. On my stomach, arms under my pillows.

9. When I sleep, I like to wear:
boxers and an old, soft, worn in tee.

10. My bedtime is usually:
different every night. I try to be asleep by 9:00 p.m. on week nights...I have to get up at 4:30. Doesn't happen often...not with two boys who hate when their mom goes to bed early! On weekends, it varies. Anywhere from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m.

Two days down, three to go!!

Already Wednesday tomorrow! Woot, woot! I love when the week goes by fast. Unfortunately it also mean the weekend flies by!

So, I came home today with two more postcards in my mailbox! It's so nice getting something in the mail....other than bills! :)

Gage thinks I'm retarded for doing it. He was like..."are you lonely or something? Get a boyfriend!" haha. I was like....uhh, yeah. I've done my time with boyfriends. I doN'T WANT a boyfriend!! Now is MY time!!! And I love it! And I love getting postcards from all over the world. I think it's neat. :) Yeah, I just said neat.

So, one postcard was from Heidi in Virginia. She sent a postcard to Zac yesterday and one to me today. :) (Direct swap)

Sorry the pics aren't that great. I cannot find my scanner! It was in my garage....I'm thinking I might've sold it in the garage sale I had when I first moved in. Oops.

So, I have to take pics of my postcards with my phone. Needless to say....poor quality. haha.

Then I got a postcard from Joy in Taiwan. So freaking awesome. :)

So, after work, I went to pick up Gage's friend (my second son), James. He's staying the night tonight. Then we went out to my mom's and the boys went fishing while me and my mom discussed Sunday nights "True Blood". LOVE IT!!! Then we ate some Subway, then grocery shopping.

Now, I'm just telling you about my day, while watching the super sexy Mark Wahlberg in "Fear". LOVE this movie!! I, of course, used to LOVE New Kids on the Block. I was IN LOVE with Donnie Wahlberg....now I say..."little did I know, he had a much sexier younger brother!" What can I say.......I'm a Wahlberg girl!

Sexy Mark and the beautiful Reese Witherspoon!

This is one of my favorite parts...where he carves "NICOLE 4-EVA" on his chest! hahaha. So funny!

Hope everyone's having a great week! :)

Definitely a Monday! :)

I received my first postcard today! And I'm happy to say, it was from a fellow Twilight lover!!

How perfect is that? Sara from Ohio!!

Zac received a card today, too. From Virginia...direct swap. A woman named Heidi who has a daughter about 9 years old. This is a picture of a bear that came to hang out in her backyard!

Zac is at his dad's, but he will be so excited when he gets home and sees he has his first postcard!

:) I love Postcrossing!!

I felt like work would never end today. We had the craziest case today!! A woman was getting a colonoscopy and they found her partial dentures!!! Oh.My.Gosh.!!! Yeah, she somehow managed to swallow them and they were getting ready to pass. But they were like....a lot of teeth. Not just one or two. They took pictures of it and I must say, it's the most disgusting thing I've seen in a long time. haha. They retrieved them for her. I asked Ashley what she thought she'd do with them? Throw them away?? I would...for sure! But Ashley said she'd probably just wash them and use them again. bahahahaha. SICK!!



I found out today that Gage's dad has gone back to Fort Worth. I knew he would. He's been out of jail since July 5th. He saw Gage about 10 days later and we haven't heard from him since. I hate to say, but I'm sure he went right back to meth. He was in jail for 6 months. I thought for sure he'd have it out of his system and want to be back in his son's life. :( It breaks my heart...only because I know it breaks my son's heart. :( I really don't know what to do anymore.

On a lighter note, I'm excited about me and Marianne's date to see 'Ramona and Beezus' this week!! I loved the books when I was younger! :)

And then I realized.....

At what point in your life did you realize your parents weren't perfect?
Me and my sister talked about this...a long time ago. When she was in college, a professor asked her class that question.
You know, when you're a child, you think your mom is the most beautiful woman in the world. You think she can do no wrong. You think your dad is the most amazing man in the world. You want to marry your dad when you're little. Then you want to marry a man JUST LIKE your daddy!
But at some point, you realize it. My mom isn't perfect. My dad isn't perfect.
Leah asked me when I realized it. It took me a long time to figure it out.
I'm pretty good at blocking out things in my past that weren't the "best of times".

With my dad, the moment I realized he wasn't everything I thought he was, was when my Mee Maw (his mom) died. He was an alcoholic and drug addict (he's been clean for about 17 years now).
Anyways, I loved my Mee Maw sooo much.
She had breast cancer and she was a nurse. When she got so sick, she moved a hospital bed into her house. She didn't want to die in a hospital. She wanted to be home. So, my dad and his 4 siblings would take turns staying at her house, taking care of her. On weekends that it was my dad's turn to take care of her....and also his weekend to keep me and my sister, he would leave us with our sick grandmother while he went out partying.
You'd think that would be the moment I realized he wasn't perfect, but I was still pretty young. Maybe nine or so? But I didn't realize it then, all I knew was I was getting to spend time with my Mee Maw. :)
When she died, I was heartbroken. I came home from school and my mom told me she had passed away. I stayed in my room all night and just cried.
I went to the funeral with my dad and sister. I remember sitting next to my dad and I was crying so hard, I couldn't catch my breath. You'd think my dad would try to comfort his daughter, or something. Instead, he swatted my leg and told me to shut it up.
I tried so hard to stop crying, but it was so hard. I just sat there, tears running down my face.
That was the moment I realized my dad wasn't perfect. That moment is burned in my brain and still breaks my heart to this day.
As for my mom, I don't know. I know she's not perfect. But not one moment stands out really. She worked a lot. She wasn't really around much. Leah practically raised me and my little sister. I'm thankful I had Leah. I still lean on her more than I probably should. She's my mother figure that I go to now. I talk to my mom and she is wonderful. We get along great and I can tell her anything. But the first person I call when I have something going on, good or bad...that would be Leah.
It always will be.
So, I'm sure there was something my mom did, that made me realize she wasn't perfect. But it wasn't something so bad that I can pin point it. I think that's a good thing, right?

What was the point of this blog? I don't know. I just wonder if other people have certain moments when they realize that. Or maybe you're lucky enough to still think your parents are perfect?

Little bit of this, little bit of that......

I'm ready for July to be over with!! Zac has been with his dad this month....minus every third day, when his dad is working at the firestation. I miss him so much!! He's wild and crazy and drives me insane! But I love that kid, and I am missing him!!
Gage has been back and forth with his friend Travis. Travis stays here a night or two, Gage stays a night or two with him. I think I could count on one hand how many times Gage has been here, just him, no friends. But I guess that's just summer for ya. :) I remember those days.....

Today I was reading some blogs....at work.....uhhh, we were slow! I read an awesome blog that a girl wrote called "i have no words and i am lost and i don't want to be here anymore. i'm sorry, i can't do this. here, here's a story for you instead". This story was so wonderful and brought tears to my eyes. You should totally check it out.

I go through these little phases where I get obsessed with certain websites. First it was Myspace. I would go on five billion times a day, check out people's pages, comment, look at pictures, be all stalker-ish. Then it was Facebook. Now, it's Blogger. I can sit and read blogs all day long. Like, seriously.....all day. It fascinates me, to read about peoples lives. Their stories.
I'm amazed at how well some people can write...and a little jealous.
I just write like I talk. I've never been good with words. I guess it's because I'm quite the introvert. I'd say I'm shy, self conscience, awkward, insecure.
That's what I've always loved about blogging though. Or communication through email or text messages. I can never really say what I want to say because I'm always worried about the reaction I will get. If I email it, or text it, I don't have to deal with anything head on.
That's weird, right?
What's weird is how I started writing about this, when originally I just wanted to share the link to that blog and just talk about how much I'm missing my Zackary!!

I guess I'll go....catch up on my blog reading. :)
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!! I hope it doesn't go by too fast!

PostCrossing Update! :)

Well, two of the five postcards that I sent have arrived!!

I'm so excited!

The little boy (5 year old Ethan) that I was so excited about sending a postcard to, used to live in Wichita Falls!! His mom wrote me and said that they moved from here about a year and a half ago. His family is military, they lived on Sheppard Air Force Base. She said he cried everyday for the first few months because he was so sad to leave. :(

She said he's better now and loves it in Florida! She said my postcard brought back a lot of memories for them to talk about. :)

Another coincedence? His best friend's name is Gage!

I just think it's awesome that the first time I participate in Post Crossing, I get someone, somewhere, in this whole world, who used to live where I live, and has a best friend with my son's name!

This is the postcard I sent to him. :) I wish I had known he was from WF, I would've sent him the postcard with the "Falls" on it.

Then the other postcard that I sent, that was received, was to Michigan.

I wonder how much longer it will take for the other three to arrive. They were to Finland, Germany, and Brazil!!

I'm so glad I started postcrossing. If not for any other reason...then for the memories it brought back to Ethan and his mama. :)

Growing on me....unfortunately

So, I watched 'The Runaways'. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to like Kristen Stewart. :/
I saw the previews to a movie with her in it, when I watched 'The Runaways' last night.
It was called 'Welcome to the Rileys'. It has Kristen Stewart and James Gandolfini. It looks like it's going to be pretty good. James and his wife have lost their 15 year old daughter. So, they start to grow apart. He goes to New Orleans for work, and meets Kristen Stewart at a diner or something. She's a stripper. She looks to be about his daughters age, so he takes her in.



He tells his wife he's going to stay in New Orleans. I guess like a break from their problems. Kristen moves in with him and he tries to be a father to her.

His wife comes to New Orleans to be with him and he introduces her to Kristen. Of course, she doesn't like that idea very much. But, then she takes Kristen in, and they both want to help her and parent her.

At least that's what I got from the previews of the movie. It looks really good. :)

Of course, Kristen acts the same as she does in everything. Studdering and biting her lip and all that non-sense. But I guess that's just K-Stew.

New day, new hair.

Oh, it's been a long day!! I'm super excited, because I rented 'The Runaways' today.

I'm a little scared to watch it. I watched 'Chloe' the other day....that may have been enough girl on girl action to last me a while...but I've been wanting to see this!

I was so upset when it didn't come to the theaters here! It's so retarded when certain movies don't come here!

Guess who got Employee of the Month today?? Whaaaa, Whaaa? Yep, yours truly!!

Yeah, I pretty much rock!!

When you get Employee of the Month, you get to get your little picture taken and have it posted on a board for everyone to see!!

They asked if I wanted to take it today or tomorrow. I was like...uh, let's take it today. Because I'm getting my haircut at 3, and if I hate it....I'll be mad!!! haha.

Ashley went outside to take my picture. We have these new ugly red signs up on our building that say "NO SMOKING BEYOND THIS POINT". So, I told her to take my picture with the sign. I was pointing at it with a disappointed look on my face. haha. We showed my boss and she just died laughing. She said I should have been flipping the camera off. haha.

That wasn't my real picture, we took another one. But it was funny anyways.

So, at work I took a picture of my long hair in the bathroom. haha. It's actually the longest I've ever let it get! I grow it out, I cut it, I grow it out, I cut it.

So, I thought it was time to get it cut again!

Me with short hair. A little disappointed....it will take some getting used to! It's not fixed.....I guess I'll have to work on that. haha.

My boys aren't happy about me getting my haircut!! What is it with boys thinking girls have to have long hair?? haha.

Who do you write like?

I was just reading Mickey's blog Sharing Sundays where I found the link to see what writer you write like!
According to my last blog entry, which is what I put in to test my writing skills.....I write like.....
drum roll, please.........

STEPHEN KING!

Only my all time favorite writer EVER!! That is just awesome.....if I do say so myself. :)

What's your irrational fear?

I'd say I have a few irrational fears. I mean, don't we all?

I'm scared of clowns. Ever since I saw Poltergiest, I've been scared of clowns. Then after seeing "IT" and reading the book by Stephen King....I got even more scared of clowns!!

I'm scared of big bodies of water. Watching movies like 'Jaws' or 'Titanic' I start to feel like I can't breathe. Just writing about it right now is making me take deep breaths.

I went to Cancun with my sisters a couple years ago and I was fine, going on the booze cruise and walking into the ocean. But at night, standing at the edge of the water, with the moonlight on the endless water in front of me...I could feel the heaviness in my chest. I don't know why it scares me so much.

The one that my friends make fun of me the most about, is my fear of dolls, dummies, anything like that. I've always been scared of dolls. I don't know why. Yes, I watched scary movies about them when I was little, but I always thought they were creepy. Anytime I got a doll for Christmas or my birthday, I always made my mom put it up in her closet. I didn't want it in my room, or my closet, I didn't want to even see it. I just wanted to forget it was in my house all together.

So, of course, while I was checking out PostSecret today....I saw this postcard and just had to laugh.

No, I didn't send it in, but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels that way.

My favorite thing about going to the movies: PREVIEWS!

When I go to the movies, I HAVE to get there in time for the previews. It's like....my favorite part of going to the movies.

Yesterday I saw the previews to Paranormal Activity II. A lot of people didn't like the first one, but I LOVED it! I thought it was really good. So, I'll have to see the second one when it comes out! :)

I don't know how good this movie is going to be. But it's Ryan Reynolds...I have to see what it's going to be about.

I mean, it's Ryan Reynolds....look at that stomach. I just wanna lick it.


This is a movie I'm definitely going to have to see. The previews made me want to cry, so I know I'll love it!

I never liked Zac Efron. That is, until I saw him in '17 Again'. Ohmigoodness! The boy grew up...and turned into quite the little hottie. And he can act. Is it just me, or does it seem like my celebrity crushes are getting younger and younger? haha. I always liked 'em young. haha.

Hottie.

I mean, seriously.....look at him. Damn. I just wanna lick his biceps. haha.

It's just not right for boys to be prettier than girls. But these boys sure are pretty. :)

Lovely Edward.

I finally went and saw Eclipse today.

It.Was.Amazing.

I.love.Edward.Cullen.

And I'm kinda diggin' Jasper, too. With his cute little Texan accent!

I love Edward. I love Edward and Bella together. I used to hate them together...just because Edward should be with me!

But watching them, just makes you miss that new love feeling.

The excitement, the butterflies, ohhhh, the feeling of new love.

How sexy is he with that facial hair! Oh.my.gosh. I love facial hair. I love Robert Pattinson!! Sexy. I wanna bite his neck.

"You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."


"You'll always be my Bella. You'll just be more durable."


I can't believe I waited so long to see "Eclipse"! I will be seeing it again...soon. Very soon.

I love you, Edward!

"Please, Mr. Postman, look and see. If there's a letter in your bag for me..."

Ok, I started my postcard sending today!! You can send out a max of 5, so I went ahead and did that. How cute is this??....the last one I got was a 5 year old boy. His mom started it for him because he loves getting postcards like his mom!! I may have to do that for Zac! He loves getting mail! And what a way to learn about other parts of the world! Granted the boy I got is from Florida, and he used to live in Texas, haha. But still! I'm sure he would love a postcard from anywhere!! :)
So, I'm about to take my postcards to the post office and mail them off!!

Postcards, baby.

So, after reading Marianne and Micaela's blogs about the wonderful postcards they receive, I decided to join PostCrossing. I'm so excited about it! But I'm a little disappointed because I've been all over town and there is NO where that sells postcards! At least, not any cute ones!! I have some Texas ones, but seriously....that's kinda boring. I mean, my town isn't really a place people go TO for vacation! So, I'm hoping to find somewhere I can purchase really pretty cards. If not, I will just have to go online and buy some!
So, I have my first address and I'm super excited to send my postcard.
Now I'm just wondering what to write on my postcard! haha.
Fun stuff!! Thanks to Marianne and Mickey for blogging about this, I am super excited to get started!

Where would be without wonderful doctors? :)

So, I went and saw my doctor today. I had to make an appointment after my little panic attack on Tuesday. I love my doctor. She is the sweetest doctor I've ever met. She just listens to me go on and on about my problems (mainly Gage's dad kinda being back in his life). And I cried, and she patted me and hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok. She told me I was a good mom. I was doing everything right. I go to work, I take care of my kids, and I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with this situation we're in. She made me feel so much better!!
So, she doubled my Prozac, haha. And prescribed me some Xanax in case I have another panic attack. Then she gave me some information on a place where I can go to counseling, and the rate is based on your income. She said I just had too much on my plate and my mind and body can't take it all right now. She is seriously a great doctor. I felt much better after leaving her. Thank God for doctors who actually take the time to listen and show sympathy. I needed that. No judging, trying to tell me what I need to do, just listening. And giving me drugs to feel better. haha.
So, I guess I'm going to call the place she recommended and set up a counseling session. It will be good to have someone to talk to, who isn't for me or for Billy. Who is just neutral.

On another note, Thank God also, that tomorrow is Friday. It's been a helluva week!! I still have not seen Eclipse!!! So, me and my bff are supposed to see it this weekend. I keep making plans to see it, and I just never do. I'm almost to the point where I don't care if I see it. But I know once I do, I will be in love all over again. :)

I'm missing my sister a lot. I can't wait until she and Lucia get back from their mission trip in Mexico. :)

Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm ready for it.

And yo, word to your mutha.

scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind....

I was just looking at old pics on my computer and thought I post some....or five hundred and fifty two. :) Sorry, it's a lot, but I just love looking at old pics.

Me, Jack, and Annabel, at Annabel's 1st birthday party!! She is truly a miracle!!

My 30th birthday, at Bingo...where I won $500!! Then to Toby's! That was a fun, fun night!!

30th birthday, and I took my first shot ever. Seriously....and can you tell...I didn't like it much! ;)

Chris giving me a birthday kiss. He told me I was dirty thirty.

I don't know who these guys were, but they were funny. And they bought me my first shot ever.


Gage at my Uncle Billy and Aunt Brenda's.

Abby, Ashley, and me. 4th of July last year.

Marianne and Mickey.

Me and Jauque at Bar L. Looong ago. :)

Gage and Zac, so sweet.

Marianne and me at Bingo.

Me and the beautiful bride. :)

The best man and the bridesmaid. Me and Russell.

Beer drinker.

Leah and Lucia at Carrie and Jorge's rehearsal dinner.

Me and my cousin Ashley.

My sister, nices, nephews, kiddos.

Me and my cousin, Bryan, at Iron Horse, watching Dan Dyer.

Me and bff.

At the fair.

Family photo. :)

Me and Zackary.

Me with Gage and his buddies.

Awww. My cute boys.

Girls night with Jaidon, Marianne, and Victoria.

After chilling at my house, we went to Fast Eddy's.

Sweet Angela.

Marianne and the trout pout. Sexy gurl.

Halloween.

Another Halloween. This Michael Myers scared me. haha.

Doing the Thriller dance. :)

Blondes DO have more fun. ;)

Zac and Lucia, after Lu's dance at the football game! Too cute.

Jauque's baby shower.

Blackmail? Gage, James, and Zackary.

Me and Lacey in Cancun.

Yaaaaaa-laaayyy!!

Iron Horse, and one too many drinks. Well, she IS my life partner. haha.

Gage and his buddies. Possum Kingdom.

Me and my seesters in Cancun!! Goood times. :)

At Lacey's baby shower.

With Jauque at the bowling alley!

Crazy Katy! At Bar L!

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson <3>

Lu and Zac. :)

Marianne and Mickey's 24th birthday. At some karaoke bar....can't remember the name of it. But it was fun!

Me and Bryan, when we were just little ones. PK.

Wow, this was FOREVER ago!!

My mom and dad...way back in the day.

Aww, Little Jack.

New Years Eve.

Old Town, with the local celebrity. :)

Me and my bff's hubby. :) He loves me, even if he won't admit it!! haha.

With Arthur and Katy at P2.....good stuff.

Russell the Love Muscle. Surprise birthday party! Man, I miss this boy!

Oh good times. I love looking at old pictures!!