Today wasn't such a great day. I had a bit of a panic attack at work. I guess it was just everything that's been going on hitting me all at once. Car trouble, Gage's dad coming back into his life, work has been stressful.
I guess I felt it coming on when Billy got out of jail and started with his excuses. Then he called yesterday wanting to get Gage for the day. I was so confused about what I should do. I don't want to keep him from his dad. He would never forgive me for that. I want to give Billy ANOTHER chance. But I'm so scared he's going to hurt Gage all over again. It was hard, but I let him hang out with him from about 3 to 8 yesterday. Gage came back in a good mood. He's missed his dad a lot the past 8 or so months. I just pray that Billy really tries this time. I've been praying for him. When I'm praying, I say, "Lord, this is so hard for me to pray for this man who has done so much to his son, but I have to...." Just so he knows that I know it's not in my heart to pray for him, but I want it to be, so I'm trying. haha.
So, today we were 2 people short in the office. I was swamped and work was piling up against me. The phone was ringing off the hook and I just lost it for a second there. My heart started racing, I felt like my insides were shaking like crazy, I got all hot. Then Brenda asked if I was ok and that is when...when I always...lose it. I started crying and was just like....I don't know. I'm so confused and I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, Ashley gave me a Xanax. Normally I wouldn't take something...unless prescribed to me, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, I took it, went outside for some fresh air (uhhh, a cigarette..haha) and just tried to calm myself down. Ashley is a godsend because her Xanax really helped me. I've still been on the verge of tears all day, but panic feeling is gone. For now.
I guess I'll just keep praying. That always seems to help the most. :)
I decided today that I'm going to cut off all my hair. When I start feeling like I need a change, I always cut my hair or dye it a different color. haha. That's as crazy as I can get. :)
So, I made an appointment for next week. I'll probably totally regret it after I do it, but it's just hair....it will grow back. :)
My sister and niece are leaving tomorrow to go on a mission trip with their church to Mexico. I really wanted me and Zac to go, but I don't have the PTO to take off from work. :( And after our trip to Chicago, I can't afford to take off with no PTO. But Leah and Lucia will have a wonderful time and I'm super excited for them. Lucia truly has a heart for God. She is in love with God and her church. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her and I can't wait to hear all about it! Man, I'm going to miss them. :( But it's just a week, so....it'll be aight.
Pray for them to have a safe, fun trip!! :)
1 comment:
Steph my eyes are watering at my desk here at work reading this post. I just got through texting you and was thinking how much I missed you that I went onto your blog. I'm so sorry I have been a lousy bff while you are going through all of this. I hope you know I'm here even when I'm not if that makes sense since we don't get to see each other very often :( I hate that feeling...when I was having those attacks when I worked at the paper you were always there for me when I felt exactly what you just described. You were my xanax! I hate when you are feeling this way :( I feel so helpless. I think a change will do you good :) A haircut is therapy for sure! I love your hair short! I can't wait to see it :) I'm glad Gage had a good time with Billy. I love Gage so much and love spending time with your boys, I can't imagine Billy choosing anything over that but then I know that's the sad power of addiction. I'm praying for you all!! I love you Steph and I'm so sorry I haven't been there like I should and how you have always been there for me :(
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