Rest in Peace, Paw Paw Riley.

As some of you may know, My PawPaw died this past Wednesday.
A couple weeks ago, he had hip surgery. While he was in a rehab facility, he was not taken care of properly.
He was admitted into the hospital Tuesday for being dehydrated, impacted, kidney failure, bed sores.
I left work early with a lot on my mind. My pawpaw, along with a lot of other stuff that's going on.
Of course, I went to my sister's, because that's were I go when I'm upset, can't stop crying, and need to talk. We decided to go eat something to eat. On our way to Casa Manana, my mom called and said that my pawpaw had passed away.
We went to my grandma's house, where the family all met up.
My pawpaw has been immobile since February, so my grandma has had to do everything for him.
Of course, she had to let her household duties go, so the place was pretty bad.
Me and my sister's stayed and cleaned house for her, since a lot of family is coming in town.
We finished up today.
Tonight is the viewing, tomorrow is the funeral.
My pawpaw lived a full life and while I am sad, I know he is in a better place. He was in constant pain and unable to take care of himself.
We all know where he went, for he was an awesome man.

Funny story for ya.
Wednesday evening, the Reverend came to talk with the family about the funeral service and whatnot.
My mom, grandma, etc. were calling him Brother Bateman.
Me and Leah were in the kitchen cleaning and Lucia came running in there and said,"Mom! That guy in there..his first name is Brother!"
hahaha. You gotta love kids. :)

So, that's why I've been MIA lately.
Please keep my grandma, mom and her siblings, and the rest of my family in your prayers.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Annabel!!!

Another special birthday wish!

This one to my cousin Carrie's little girl, Annabel Leigh!

head on over and wish this miracle a happy birthday! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET GIRL!!!

EVERYDAY, I'm thankful for....

You may think I'm retarded, but I LOVE reading church signs. I always try to remember them. One that I liked said "You have to believe it enough to live it" another... "Life without Jesus, how's that working out for you?" I saw this sign last week and liked it a lot. So, I drove back by and took a picture....just for you! ;)

"What if you only had what you thanked God for?"

Have you ever thought about that? Do you thank God for just the big things in life, or for everything? I thought about it and what I thank God for when I pray. Every night, these things/people I thank the good Lord above for:

my children

my sisters

my nephews

my niece

my mom and step dad

my dad and brother

my extended family

my friends

my job, even though I sometimes complain about it

which gives me money for the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the roof over our heads.

Other things that I'm thankful for varies, but those are the things I thank God for every night.

Of course, I also have my list of people that I pray for every night.

Anyways.....just a reminder, peeps....don't forget to be thankful for all that you have!!!

Pretty sky

The drive home yesterday was so pretty :)
I tried to capture it....with my crap cell phone. haha.

It didn't really work. But see how the the clouds have lines in them? A ray of sunshine was coming through every opening.
And it was so freaking pretty.

Guess you had to be there......
:)
Your loss.

Once again....

I am once again reading " The Purpose Driven Life". I read it once before, probably 2 years ago. I really loved it and when I finished reading it, I thought...I need to pick this book up and read it again in a couple months. It's the kind of thing you want to keep fresh in your mind.
So, I decided I would start reading it again at the first of the new year!
Last night I read Chapter 2.
If you don't know how the book goes, it's forty chapters long and you only read one chapter a day. I bought the journal that goes along with it...which I didn't have last time I read it.
So, chapter 2 tells you about how you are here for a reason, you are not a mistake. Even if your parents didn't plan you, God did. Even if your parents aren't married or aren't everything you think they should be, God made them your parents for a reason. God made you exactly the way you are for a reason. He doesn't make mistakes.
In the journal you're supposed to write about things you need to accept. Such as, things of your past, or background...where you came from. Race, financial status, family life, etc. Then also about your personality. What's something you don't like about your personality? And of course, your physical attributes. Everyone doesn't like something about themselves. I had plenty of things to write about when it came to my background, past...and my attitude. haha. Believe it or not, I know my faults, I accept them, and sometimes I even try really hard to make an effort to change them!
When it came to my physical attributes I had a few things. What girl wouldn't? If I had had my journal 2 years ago, I could have filled up pages and pages of things I disliked about myself.
But I realized last night that for the first time in my life, I'm actually comfortable in my own skin. Sure I could lose a few pounds...do I obsess over it or starve myself? Nope.
When I was 29 and my birthday was just around the corner, I started freaking out. 30 years old??? OH MY GOSH! Then, THIRTY ONE!! Nooooooooooooo!! Now I'm 32...it wasn't as hard...but it wasn't easy.
Next month I am going to be 33 years old and I am ok with that.
It took 33 years for me to be comfortable in my skin. To be happy with myself and where I am, who I've become. And even how old I am! haha.
Life is good.
God is good.

Did I get off track somewhere?
I think I did.
I feel like I was trying to go in a different direction than where I ended....
I do that sometimes. Oh well.
God made me that way. ;)

You spoke to me.....

Ok, so here's what's been going on this week. Yesterday while I was at work, I had a panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, or something was wrong with my heart. I felt like I could feel my heart actually flip flop in my chest. My chest was so tight. Ashley took my blood pressure and it was like 135/89....or something like that. It was high for me, usually I run about 118/72...or so. Anywaaaaays. Brenda and Ashley asked if I was anxious about anything. I was like,"no, not really." But then I started thinking.....
So, here's the story...
My dad's side of the family has not had a big Christmas together since before Zac was born. That's over 7 years. We used to have it at my aunt and uncle's house, but they moved to New Mexico when they retired. Plus some relatives moved to Dallas, Austin, and whatnot.
I guess that happens as you get older :( Well, we started just going to my dad's for Christmas. But we've even stopped doing that. My step monster is a little passive aggressive and like to take jabs behind everyone's back. She'd talk about my sister and my mom to me, when it's just us. Or she'll talk to Leah about me when I'm not around.
Of course, little does she know, since we never really talk to her, me and Leah are best friends and we tell eachother everything. oops, sorry wicked stepmother.
Ok, a little off subject.
This year, Leah has invited the entire side of my dad's family to her house for Christmas. I think it is wonderful. I'm excited about seeing everyone all together all at once again! I'll get to meet Carrie and Jorge's new addition, Ava. I'll get to chill with my cousin Ashley, I love that girl...and maybe I can talk her into bringing her tat stuff and tatting me up while she's here ;)
I asked Leah if dad was coming. My dad doesn't really have anything to do with his side of the family. Let's just say, it has to do with (his) past mistakes and refusing to talk about it. It has to do with a family that likes to drink and have a good time....and someone who let that kind of thing control his life for a long time...finally got out of it...and doesn't want to be around it.
I totally understand. I think it's wonderful when someone knows not to put themselves into a situation they shouldn't.
Surprisingly, Leah said my dad and little brother are coming! I'm excited. I haven't seen or talked to my dad since July. I figured it's because someone has been whispering in his ear for the past 29 years and maybe he's starting to believe her lies? I don't know.
So, I asked Leah, if SHE was coming? She said she doesn't know for sure if she's working (we're doing it on a Monday), but probably.
Hello, anxiety.
What do you do when someone you absolutely cannot stand is going to be in the same house as you...all day?
I thought....do I completely ignore her....act like she doesn't even exsist? Or do I kill her with kindness?
The thought of killing her with kindness makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I can't pretend! How can I pretend to a woman who has lied and caused trouble in our family for so many years???

Then I went to church tonight.
And tonight's lesson was meant for me.

Love one another.
Love others as God loves you.
Do not not love someone, just because you know you will not get anything in return.
Love is not selfish.
Sometimes in darkness, your love can be the only light. That one glimmer that someone else needed.

I sat there shaking my head, during the whole service...thinking, ok, God. I know what I gotta do. I gotta suck it up.
Will it be hard? Oh yes. It will be.
But I'm gonna try, dang it! :)


Oh, and I wasn't having a heart attack :) It was anxiety. I took a half of a Xanax and I felt my heart quit pounding, the tightening in the chest let up.
I took a couple deep breaths and felt a little better. :)

Happy Fall

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.
God lifts you up, takes you in,
and washes all the dirt off of you.
He opens you up, touches you deep inside
and scoops out all the yucky stuff--
including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then He carves you a new smiling face
and puts His light inside you
to shine for all the world to see.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

I found a house I want! Like....really, really, really want!! It's 3 bedroom and two bath. Right now I live in a little 2 bedroom, one bath house. It's pretty crowded with me and my boys. But, hey.....I'm a single mom, I gotta go with I can afford, right? :)

This house (ok, ok...it's a mobile home, but it's a NICE mobile home) has a huge front yard, a privacy fence around the back yard, a little storage building on the side. The bedrooms are pretty small....but you know what? I don't care about the size of the rooms. I just want soooo bad for my boys to have their own rooms! Gage is in highschool, I think he needs his own room. And Zac is 7. He's always slept with me or his bubba, but this year, I've been making him sleep in his room alone. That leaves Gage on the pull out sofa.....which Gage doesn't mind, he sleeps on it even when Zac's at his dad's. But still....it'd be soooo nice for them to have their own room.

Bad part...credit check. I have the worst credit EVER!! Huge mistakes when I was younger. Credit cards....repo'd car after my divorce. :(

But Jauque says God is more powerful than credit checks :) so if it's meant to be, it will happen. :) Let's just pray that it's meant to be.

Seriously.

It's also really close to one of Gage's friends, Travis, who he has been friends with since kindergarten. And the school bus to Archer drives right past. He's been wanting to go back to Archer school since we moved away, when he was about 8 or so.

It's right in between Archer and Wichita, so he could still go to Rider, if he decides he wants to stay there....I mean, he does have a girlfriend there now. haha.

Anyways.....please, please, please pray that I get this mobile home...so I can offically be trailer trash. haha.

Hey! Me and an ex were trailer trash couple one year for Halloween, I think it suited me well. :)

just sayin'.

Day 23: A Youtube Video......a must watch!!!

Day 23 of the 30 Day Challenge

Day 23: A Youtube Video

This is my all time favorite Youtube video. I can not count how many times I've watched it. And everytime I watch it, I get goosebumps...then I cry. It's wonderful.

Please watch it. :) You'll be glad you did!

Day 22: A Website

Day 22 of the 30 Day Challenge

Day 22: A website

Today I get to share a website with you. I've mentioned my cousin's baby, Annabel in the 30 Day Challenge before, but now I'll go into a little more detail. :)

My cousin Carrie had a beautiful little girl about a year and a half ago. Her name is Annabel Leigh.

She was born with Trisomy 18. The doctors told Carrie and Jorge that she would likely not make it a week. When they sent her home, they sent Hospice, thinking she wouldn't be around too long. Needless to say, the whole family was heart broken about this special little baby. Carrie and Jorge's first child. But she proved everyone wrong. She's a little fighter!!

She may be about a year and a half....but she only weighs about 11 pounds. She's just recently started eating baby food. She was on a feeding tube for a long time, but now has the one that goes in the belly button....not sure what it's called. Anyways, she practices sucking on bottles, but every little thing wears her out and is hard on her little heart. So, now that she is starting baby food....wow. She is just amazing.

She is the happiest little thing. Always smiling!! It's hard to believe that in just a couple months this little 11 pound baby will be a big sister!!

Check out her blog, read about my cousins beautiful miracle daughter.

Look at her precious little bows!!!

Cute little teeth and big smile!!

She's all dolled up and ready to go shopping with her mama. She's even got a little purse!! :)

Me, Jack, and Annabel at Annabel's big one year birthday bash!!

Day Seventeen: An Art Piece

Day Seventeen of the 30 Day Challenge:

An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

I chose to post one of my favorite pictures I have hanging up in my house. I love this picture because of the frame, the picture, how old timey it looks.
I won this picture when I went to an auction to raise money for my cousin's little girl Annabel Leigh. She was born with Trisomy 18. We had this fund raiser right after she was born. Carrie (my cousin) was told that it was likely she wouldn't make it. Trisomy babies are "incompatible with life". She is now ONE YEAR, 4 MONTHS, 1 WEEK, AND 3 DAYS old! She is a miracle. Which makes this picture even more special to me.


Check out Annabel's blog to see the beautiful miracle yourself. :) In just a couple months she will be a big sister! :)

No more than we can handle....

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call.....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love....

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Corinthians 10:12-13

Corinthians 10:12-13‎ If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.

Where would be without wonderful doctors? :)

So, I went and saw my doctor today. I had to make an appointment after my little panic attack on Tuesday. I love my doctor. She is the sweetest doctor I've ever met. She just listens to me go on and on about my problems (mainly Gage's dad kinda being back in his life). And I cried, and she patted me and hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok. She told me I was a good mom. I was doing everything right. I go to work, I take care of my kids, and I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with this situation we're in. She made me feel so much better!!
So, she doubled my Prozac, haha. And prescribed me some Xanax in case I have another panic attack. Then she gave me some information on a place where I can go to counseling, and the rate is based on your income. She said I just had too much on my plate and my mind and body can't take it all right now. She is seriously a great doctor. I felt much better after leaving her. Thank God for doctors who actually take the time to listen and show sympathy. I needed that. No judging, trying to tell me what I need to do, just listening. And giving me drugs to feel better. haha.
So, I guess I'm going to call the place she recommended and set up a counseling session. It will be good to have someone to talk to, who isn't for me or for Billy. Who is just neutral.

On another note, Thank God also, that tomorrow is Friday. It's been a helluva week!! I still have not seen Eclipse!!! So, me and my bff are supposed to see it this weekend. I keep making plans to see it, and I just never do. I'm almost to the point where I don't care if I see it. But I know once I do, I will be in love all over again. :)

I'm missing my sister a lot. I can't wait until she and Lucia get back from their mission trip in Mexico. :)

Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm ready for it.

And yo, word to your mutha.

you had a bad day......

Today wasn't such a great day. I had a bit of a panic attack at work. I guess it was just everything that's been going on hitting me all at once. Car trouble, Gage's dad coming back into his life, work has been stressful.
I guess I felt it coming on when Billy got out of jail and started with his excuses. Then he called yesterday wanting to get Gage for the day. I was so confused about what I should do. I don't want to keep him from his dad. He would never forgive me for that. I want to give Billy ANOTHER chance. But I'm so scared he's going to hurt Gage all over again. It was hard, but I let him hang out with him from about 3 to 8 yesterday. Gage came back in a good mood. He's missed his dad a lot the past 8 or so months. I just pray that Billy really tries this time. I've been praying for him. When I'm praying, I say, "Lord, this is so hard for me to pray for this man who has done so much to his son, but I have to...." Just so he knows that I know it's not in my heart to pray for him, but I want it to be, so I'm trying. haha.
So, today we were 2 people short in the office. I was swamped and work was piling up against me. The phone was ringing off the hook and I just lost it for a second there. My heart started racing, I felt like my insides were shaking like crazy, I got all hot. Then Brenda asked if I was ok and that is when...when I always...lose it. I started crying and was just like....I don't know. I'm so confused and I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, Ashley gave me a Xanax. Normally I wouldn't take something...unless prescribed to me, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, I took it, went outside for some fresh air (uhhh, a cigarette..haha) and just tried to calm myself down. Ashley is a godsend because her Xanax really helped me. I've still been on the verge of tears all day, but panic feeling is gone. For now.
I guess I'll just keep praying. That always seems to help the most. :)
I decided today that I'm going to cut off all my hair. When I start feeling like I need a change, I always cut my hair or dye it a different color. haha. That's as crazy as I can get. :)
So, I made an appointment for next week. I'll probably totally regret it after I do it, but it's just hair....it will grow back. :)
My sister and niece are leaving tomorrow to go on a mission trip with their church to Mexico. I really wanted me and Zac to go, but I don't have the PTO to take off from work. :( And after our trip to Chicago, I can't afford to take off with no PTO. But Leah and Lucia will have a wonderful time and I'm super excited for them. Lucia truly has a heart for God. She is in love with God and her church. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her and I can't wait to hear all about it! Man, I'm going to miss them. :( But it's just a week, so....it'll be aight.
Pray for them to have a safe, fun trip!! :)

Be Positive. :)

HANDY LITTLE CHART - GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER

YOU SAY GOD SAYS BIBLE VERSES

You say: "It's impossible."
God says: "All things are possible." ( Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: "I will give you rest." ( Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: "I love you." ( John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on."
God says: "My grace is sufficient." (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: "I will direct your steps." (Proverbs 3:5- 6)

You say: "I can't do it."
God says: "You can do all things." ( Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able."
God says: "I am able." (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: "It will be worth it." (Roman 8:28 )

You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: "I forgive you." (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage."
God says: "I will supply all your needs." ( Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: "I have not given you a spirit of fear." ( II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
God says: "Cast all your cares on ME." (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: "I give you wisdom." (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)