I'm a loser baby...so why don't you....not kill me, but pray for me? :)

Have you ever heard of Agent Orange?
Yeah, neither have I.
At least not until yesterday.
So, apparently it's a chemical that was used in wars in the late 60's, early 70's. It would destroy crops, remove forest cover, and to clear vegetation from the perimeters of US bases.
I just learned that while my dad was serving in Korea they had used this chemical.
While at the VA hospital, my dad found out that he has about 4 symptoms caused by exposure of this "Agent Orange".
Which sucks, right? But of course, with the bad comes the good. He's going to start receiving a check from the government.
Also, he said that the government will pay for all his children to go to college. Four years of college, paid for. Books, courses, everything. Well, obviously not cost of living and stuff, but the school part.
I'm excited about this, because I want to go to school. I want to be able to support my children, not live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be the one who can help people, instead of being the one that everyone helps.
But I'm also nervous about the possibility of going back to school, because I have a very short attention span.
I did attempt to go to school a few years ago. It didn't work out. I think I have ADD. Seriously. I would wake up in the morning, intending on going to class, only to end up in bed all day, or watching movies, or hanging out with my bf at the time.
Then I would cry at night about how I just can't make myself do it.
I'm not smart enough.
I have no motivation.
But still....for free? How can I NOT take this opportunity? How can I not try again?
Yes, I'm old. I'm 33 years old and the thought of school is scary.
I mean, I still have dreams that I'm in school and can't remember where my locker is....or what the combination is...or what class I am supposed to go to next.
Silly really.
But I have a feeling these dreams are going to become more frequent the more I look into this. haha.
Man, I'm a ruh-tard.
Anyways, yes....this is my new plan.



and i'm scared.

You spoke to me.....

Ok, so here's what's been going on this week. Yesterday while I was at work, I had a panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, or something was wrong with my heart. I felt like I could feel my heart actually flip flop in my chest. My chest was so tight. Ashley took my blood pressure and it was like 135/89....or something like that. It was high for me, usually I run about 118/72...or so. Anywaaaaays. Brenda and Ashley asked if I was anxious about anything. I was like,"no, not really." But then I started thinking.....
So, here's the story...
My dad's side of the family has not had a big Christmas together since before Zac was born. That's over 7 years. We used to have it at my aunt and uncle's house, but they moved to New Mexico when they retired. Plus some relatives moved to Dallas, Austin, and whatnot.
I guess that happens as you get older :( Well, we started just going to my dad's for Christmas. But we've even stopped doing that. My step monster is a little passive aggressive and like to take jabs behind everyone's back. She'd talk about my sister and my mom to me, when it's just us. Or she'll talk to Leah about me when I'm not around.
Of course, little does she know, since we never really talk to her, me and Leah are best friends and we tell eachother everything. oops, sorry wicked stepmother.
Ok, a little off subject.
This year, Leah has invited the entire side of my dad's family to her house for Christmas. I think it is wonderful. I'm excited about seeing everyone all together all at once again! I'll get to meet Carrie and Jorge's new addition, Ava. I'll get to chill with my cousin Ashley, I love that girl...and maybe I can talk her into bringing her tat stuff and tatting me up while she's here ;)
I asked Leah if dad was coming. My dad doesn't really have anything to do with his side of the family. Let's just say, it has to do with (his) past mistakes and refusing to talk about it. It has to do with a family that likes to drink and have a good time....and someone who let that kind of thing control his life for a long time...finally got out of it...and doesn't want to be around it.
I totally understand. I think it's wonderful when someone knows not to put themselves into a situation they shouldn't.
Surprisingly, Leah said my dad and little brother are coming! I'm excited. I haven't seen or talked to my dad since July. I figured it's because someone has been whispering in his ear for the past 29 years and maybe he's starting to believe her lies? I don't know.
So, I asked Leah, if SHE was coming? She said she doesn't know for sure if she's working (we're doing it on a Monday), but probably.
Hello, anxiety.
What do you do when someone you absolutely cannot stand is going to be in the same house as you...all day?
I thought....do I completely ignore her....act like she doesn't even exsist? Or do I kill her with kindness?
The thought of killing her with kindness makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I can't pretend! How can I pretend to a woman who has lied and caused trouble in our family for so many years???

Then I went to church tonight.
And tonight's lesson was meant for me.

Love one another.
Love others as God loves you.
Do not not love someone, just because you know you will not get anything in return.
Love is not selfish.
Sometimes in darkness, your love can be the only light. That one glimmer that someone else needed.

I sat there shaking my head, during the whole service...thinking, ok, God. I know what I gotta do. I gotta suck it up.
Will it be hard? Oh yes. It will be.
But I'm gonna try, dang it! :)


Oh, and I wasn't having a heart attack :) It was anxiety. I took a half of a Xanax and I felt my heart quit pounding, the tightening in the chest let up.
I took a couple deep breaths and felt a little better. :)

Slap a ho.

So, now I'm at Leah's, using Lucia's laptop again. Having no internet SUCKS!!!
Me and the boys are just hanging out over here until it's time to head to church.

Yes, I need to start taking my children to church more often.
Once again I took Gage's phone away from him last night. I just wanted to start taking it away at night so he wouldn't be tempted to play on it and stay up all night.
Well, being the good mother that I am (haha) I took a look at his phone.

1. Picture of his girlfriend in a bikini top and short shorts. Uhhh, hello...belly button ring??? You're 14!! Crazy.

2. Picture of another girl (not the girlfriend) with a shirt rolled up under her bra, short shorts, finger in shorts, pulling them down a little. Uhhhhh, seriously??

3. ANOTHER girl...NOT his girlfriend, picture of her in the bathroom mirror with a bra and panties on.

Hello, Parents!!!! Pay attention to what your children are doing!!!
I may be a little too nosey...but my mom wasn't and look at me...I was getting drunk every night at age 16, pregnant by age 17, baby at 18......it's a slippery slope, people!

I mean, do these girls parents not teach them that all 14 year old boys care about is s-e-x?
If they send these suggestive pictures, boys will get the wrong idea...and that is all that they will be to them, from then on out. I mean, really....do boys want THOSE girls as girlfriends??
I think not.
And do these girls think that boys are keeping these pictures to themselves? I can almost guarantee that Gage has showed James these pictures. And other friends as well. I mean, that's what boys do!!!

I'm so frustrated right now.

Girls are too freaking fast.
Parents aren't paying close enough attention.
Boys have hormones...and I HATE it!!!

I haven't been able to think about anything else since finding these pictures last night.
I.AM.FRUSTRATED!!!

I'm about to start calling some moms.
First thing I did.....no more picture messaging on Gage's phone.

He's gonna hate me and call me the devil as soon as he realizes....but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta DO!!

new panic

Saturday night, my son admitted to me that he has a girlfriend. It's hard for him to do that...because I like to tease him about it. ;)

Sunday, on Facebook, he went from being "Single" to "Being in a relationship". Uhhh, that's big time, baby.


Monday....he's at her house right now.

This is going too fast for me!!!

Panic.Attack. Can I trust him?? We've had the "talks" before. I know how fast boys and girls are these days!! He's probably getting frustrated with me, because I'm texting him every five minutes. haha.

ME: What are you doing?


GAGE: Sitting on the trampoline.


ME: Send me a pic of you and your girlfriend.

ME: She's cute.

GAGE: Yep.

ME: What are y'all doing now?

GAGE: Thinking about going swimming.

ME: Cool.

(10 minutes goes by)

ME: Hey, do you know where the fingernail clippers are?

GAGE: No, mom. Probably in your room.

ME: Ok.

(5 minutes goes by)

ME: What time do you want me to pick you up?

GAGE: I don't know, mother. I've only been here like an hour.

ME: Two hours, actually. I'm just sayin'.

GAGE: Well, I guess you can pick me up tomorrow ;)

ME: Uhh, you're going a little too far on the freedom stuff, buddy.

GAGE: haha. Ok, I don't know when though.

(10 minutes goes by)

ME: Whatcha doing?

GAGE: Sitting on the trampoline, mom. You're so nosey.

ME: I know, I'm such a good mom.

GAGE: Yep. Love you.

(5 minutes goes by)

Gage's girlfriend's friend sends me this pic from Gage's phone.

(some of the text messages have been between me and this friend...she told Gage I'm fun to talk to. haha.)

ME: Too close! Too close!!

Did I mention his signature on his phone is "loves Melissa"?

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!! I don't know how much of this I can take.

My baby's a big boy now.

I survived high school orientation. I couldn't catch my breath on my way to pick up Gage and head that way. When we got there I started shaking. Is this insane, or what? I mean, seriously...I'm the mom and I was way more nervous than Gage was. But once we started walking around the school, I felt a little better. I was showing him where all his classes were. It's so weird taking my son to orientation at the same high school I went to! It brought back a lot of memories. :)
We're both super excited about his schedule. He got baseball and guitar!! So exciting. When we signed up for the classes, they said that it is very rare for a Freshman to get guitar. Everyone wants to take it, so usually just the juniors and seniors get the class. But Gage did!
Now I'm going to have to buy him a guitar. I told him the only way I would, is if he would come home and teach me everything he learned in class. haha.
So, I thought I was going to have to take a Xanax, but I'm all good.
Monday.....that may be a different story. :/

Air....I...need....air.

So, in a couple hours, we're going to "Meet the Teacher" for Zac. :) I'm going to have to warn her that she's going to have her hands full with this boy. :) Zac the maniac!

Going to meet the teacher with Zac, going into 2nd grade is a piece of cake.

Tomorrow is another story. Oh my gosh. My heart is beating so fast just thinking about it.
Orientation at Rider tomorrow! My baby is going to be a Freshman!! Whaaaat?

(someone needs a haircut before Monday!!!)

I'm really having a hard time with this. I try to put it in the back of my mind, but then the girls at work start asking about the kids and school...then they're like,"Oh, Gage is going to high school??" And I get short of breath, tight in the chest, panic. Pure panic.

Someone says, "Those girls are fast. They're little whores." Another one says, "Oh, there are a couple girls by where I live waiting for the bus. They're always out there smoking."
OMG, people! Are you trying to make me have a heart attack?? I can't handle this.

Honestly, I can't. I'm going to have to take a Xanax before taking him tomorrow. I'll probably cry. I most definitely will on the first day of school.
It's like more painful to me than kindergarten was, I think.

Oh, I can't breathe.

I can't talk about it anymore!

True Romance

Man, I'm so glad today is Friday! Tomorrow I get my Zackary back, finally! It's been a long month without him. I can't believe just a few more weeks and school will be back in. :(

Everytime I think about Gage going into high school, I literally start having a panic attack. I can't believe my baby is going to be a Freshman this year!! O.M.G. I feel the tightening in my chest right now, just writing about it. Starting high school is such a scary thing! And girls....man, the girls these days. They're so freaking fast! I think they're worse than the boys these days! Ohhh, I don't want to think about it!!!


So, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy a quite, peaceful, lazy weekend.


I'm going to go get me some Taco Bueno and watch "True Romance"! One of my all time favorite movies! :)

Clarence is a lonely man and his boss hires a call girl to "accidently" run into him and show him a good time on his birthday.

Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette

(Clarence and Alabama)

They fall in love. Awwwww. It's TRUE Romance. :)

He goes to get her stuff from her pimp and accidently grabs a suitcase full of cocaine.

Gary Oldman plays Drexl. Alabama's pimp. I LOVE Gary Oldman, and I absolutely love him in this role. He cracks me up!!!!

So, Michael Rapaport, he plays Dick. He's a friend of Clarence's, who is going to try to help him find someone to buy the suitcase full of cocaine.

Brad Pitt...before he was famous, plays Dick's pot-head roommate, Floyd. That's pretty much all he does. Lays on the couch smoking pot, watching tv.

"True Romance" has a lot of good actors in it!!

Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, James Gandolfini, Chris Penn, even Val Kilmer....although you wouldn't know it was him, because he's only in the background....as Elvis.

Ok, it may sound kinda stupid....but it's soooo good!

Watch it!....if you haven't already! :)

Ok, I'm going to go get started on my quite evening in. :)

Happy Friday!

you had a bad day......

Today wasn't such a great day. I had a bit of a panic attack at work. I guess it was just everything that's been going on hitting me all at once. Car trouble, Gage's dad coming back into his life, work has been stressful.
I guess I felt it coming on when Billy got out of jail and started with his excuses. Then he called yesterday wanting to get Gage for the day. I was so confused about what I should do. I don't want to keep him from his dad. He would never forgive me for that. I want to give Billy ANOTHER chance. But I'm so scared he's going to hurt Gage all over again. It was hard, but I let him hang out with him from about 3 to 8 yesterday. Gage came back in a good mood. He's missed his dad a lot the past 8 or so months. I just pray that Billy really tries this time. I've been praying for him. When I'm praying, I say, "Lord, this is so hard for me to pray for this man who has done so much to his son, but I have to...." Just so he knows that I know it's not in my heart to pray for him, but I want it to be, so I'm trying. haha.
So, today we were 2 people short in the office. I was swamped and work was piling up against me. The phone was ringing off the hook and I just lost it for a second there. My heart started racing, I felt like my insides were shaking like crazy, I got all hot. Then Brenda asked if I was ok and that is when...when I always...lose it. I started crying and was just like....I don't know. I'm so confused and I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, Ashley gave me a Xanax. Normally I wouldn't take something...unless prescribed to me, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, I took it, went outside for some fresh air (uhhh, a cigarette..haha) and just tried to calm myself down. Ashley is a godsend because her Xanax really helped me. I've still been on the verge of tears all day, but panic feeling is gone. For now.
I guess I'll just keep praying. That always seems to help the most. :)
I decided today that I'm going to cut off all my hair. When I start feeling like I need a change, I always cut my hair or dye it a different color. haha. That's as crazy as I can get. :)
So, I made an appointment for next week. I'll probably totally regret it after I do it, but it's just hair....it will grow back. :)
My sister and niece are leaving tomorrow to go on a mission trip with their church to Mexico. I really wanted me and Zac to go, but I don't have the PTO to take off from work. :( And after our trip to Chicago, I can't afford to take off with no PTO. But Leah and Lucia will have a wonderful time and I'm super excited for them. Lucia truly has a heart for God. She is in love with God and her church. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her and I can't wait to hear all about it! Man, I'm going to miss them. :( But it's just a week, so....it'll be aight.
Pray for them to have a safe, fun trip!! :)