Friday, woot woot.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. It's been one heck of a week. I could use a little weekend in my life. :)
It's going to be a pretty busy weekend too, though. Cleaning house, doing laundry, cleaning out the backyard. Beauty decided to tear her pillow to pieces...stuffing is all over the backyard!!
Saturday me and my sister are doing a walk-a-thon for the homeless. We're raising money for thier Thanksgiving dinner. :) Then after that, we have Benjamin's birthday party! (My cousin, Bryan's boy). Sunday, church....and hopefully a lot of napping in between that stuff. :)
As mentioned in a previous post, one of the men in my life, driving me crazy...would be, Gage's dad. Yes, he's back. He's been MIA since about July. But he decided to come out of hiding to jack with his son's head again. So, I'm once again, trying to deal with this situation. Frustrating, heartbreaking, draining.
I got a flu shot today. My co worker threw up in the trash can behind me. gag. Gage wants a tattoo. I told him the only way he could get a tattoo before the age 18 is if it says "Mom". haha. I'd like to see that happen!
I had to get my car back from Jauque. :( My dad came and took it to sale. I felt bad, because she really needs that car. She had it for about 3 weeks, then he decided he wasn't giving me the title....he was going to sell it.
My co workers told me there was supposed to be a huge storm coming tonight...so I'm staying the night at my sisters. haha. I know, I'm a dork. But I've been a little bit of a chicken shit since moving. :)
But it's like 8:30...which is like 30 minutes AFTER my bedtime, so I gotta get off the computer! haha.
Plus Gage is begging me to let him on, so he can look up what he wants for Christmas.
Can you believe he wants a baseball bat, baseball glove, and a batting glove...it comes in a pack for like $175!!! Are you freaking kidding me??? That is ridiculous! Why..WHY must this stuff be so expensive?!?!
On the other hand, I'm very excited that he is loving baseball. :) I can't wait to go watch him play!
Alright, I'm out...ttyl.
;)

Dreams and annoyances and such.

Before I really get started writing this blog, I just wanted to add in a little note. (*ok, it apparently turned into a super long note....sorry.)
For those that know me, like really know me...you know I'm totally telling the truth when I say that I absolutely, under no circumstances, ever want to, or would EVER get back together with my ex-husband. We've have been separated/divorced since Zac was a year old. He is now 7. I wanted out of my marriage. Not to say that he was a bad person. He wasn't. He had a good job, was quite the "family man", tall, decent looking, good to my son, and now good to his son. But I think it's something with me. I'm not big on commitment. Not like I'm one to go and sleep around. I mean, I'm 32 years old and I've only been with THREE people my whole life. First, being Gage's dad. Second, being Zac's dad. And third being my last boyfriend. And all of the relationships lasted at least 4 years or longer. (Even if the last one was on and off and on and off and on and off......) And I never cheated once. Totally and completely loyal, even if they weren't. It's not in me. So, it's not that at all. I think I'm just independent. I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. Where I can and cannot go. Plus I get pretty reclusive sometimes, where I don't talk to my friends or even my family for like a week straight. Of course, not my kids. I just get where I want it to be just us, at home, chilling. Alone.
I love to be alone. I love being my own person.

With allllllllll of that being said.....I have a little embarrassing thing to admit.
I've been having a lot of dreams about my ex-husband.
I always remember my dreams and I'm always trying to interpret them. Sometimes I'll even look them up online, and I'll be like....hmmm, that actually makes sense.
So, I've been wondering why, why, why am I having dreams about him??? And I've come to a few conclusions, possibly.

1.) He is getting remarried.
I'm very happy for him. She's a nice girl and Zac loves her. She also has a son Zac's age, so he always has fun when he goes to visit. And like I said before, he was always a family man, liked being the "man of the house".

2.) Both of my boys have been on me to "get a boyfriend", "get married", "go on a date".
With Zac, I know it's because he wants a man in the house. Maybe he sees his dad and 'step mom' together and thinks I need someone.
With Gage, I think it's either that he wants a male role model in his life, since he's 14, the age where you really need a man in your life. Since his dad is a freaking meth using loser, who dropped out of his life when he was like 11 years old. Sorry....little bitter there....
Oooooor, I've been thinking lately that he wants me to get a boyfriend, so I will quit being all up in his business. haha. But sorry, that's NOT gonna happen!! I will always want to know, WHERE are you going, WHEN are you going to be home, WHO are you going with, WHY are y'all doing that, and so on. :)
That's just being a mom.

3.) That's really the only two conclusions that I've come to. He's getting married, and my boys are trying to pressure me into being with someone. And while I love my boys more than anything in this world, I have to say, I'm not going to do this for them. I'm not going to go out looking for a man. I'm very happy and comfortable by myself. I love it being just me and my boys.

So, I think I've figured it out, brain. You can stop with the ex-husband dreams. It's really start to annoy the hell out of me. :)
Why can't I just dream about Eric Northman, for crying out loud??? :)

Definitely a Monday! :)

I received my first postcard today! And I'm happy to say, it was from a fellow Twilight lover!!

How perfect is that? Sara from Ohio!!

Zac received a card today, too. From Virginia...direct swap. A woman named Heidi who has a daughter about 9 years old. This is a picture of a bear that came to hang out in her backyard!

Zac is at his dad's, but he will be so excited when he gets home and sees he has his first postcard!

:) I love Postcrossing!!

I felt like work would never end today. We had the craziest case today!! A woman was getting a colonoscopy and they found her partial dentures!!! Oh.My.Gosh.!!! Yeah, she somehow managed to swallow them and they were getting ready to pass. But they were like....a lot of teeth. Not just one or two. They took pictures of it and I must say, it's the most disgusting thing I've seen in a long time. haha. They retrieved them for her. I asked Ashley what she thought she'd do with them? Throw them away?? I would...for sure! But Ashley said she'd probably just wash them and use them again. bahahahaha. SICK!!



I found out today that Gage's dad has gone back to Fort Worth. I knew he would. He's been out of jail since July 5th. He saw Gage about 10 days later and we haven't heard from him since. I hate to say, but I'm sure he went right back to meth. He was in jail for 6 months. I thought for sure he'd have it out of his system and want to be back in his son's life. :( It breaks my heart...only because I know it breaks my son's heart. :( I really don't know what to do anymore.

On a lighter note, I'm excited about me and Marianne's date to see 'Ramona and Beezus' this week!! I loved the books when I was younger! :)

you had a bad day......

Today wasn't such a great day. I had a bit of a panic attack at work. I guess it was just everything that's been going on hitting me all at once. Car trouble, Gage's dad coming back into his life, work has been stressful.
I guess I felt it coming on when Billy got out of jail and started with his excuses. Then he called yesterday wanting to get Gage for the day. I was so confused about what I should do. I don't want to keep him from his dad. He would never forgive me for that. I want to give Billy ANOTHER chance. But I'm so scared he's going to hurt Gage all over again. It was hard, but I let him hang out with him from about 3 to 8 yesterday. Gage came back in a good mood. He's missed his dad a lot the past 8 or so months. I just pray that Billy really tries this time. I've been praying for him. When I'm praying, I say, "Lord, this is so hard for me to pray for this man who has done so much to his son, but I have to...." Just so he knows that I know it's not in my heart to pray for him, but I want it to be, so I'm trying. haha.
So, today we were 2 people short in the office. I was swamped and work was piling up against me. The phone was ringing off the hook and I just lost it for a second there. My heart started racing, I felt like my insides were shaking like crazy, I got all hot. Then Brenda asked if I was ok and that is when...when I always...lose it. I started crying and was just like....I don't know. I'm so confused and I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, Ashley gave me a Xanax. Normally I wouldn't take something...unless prescribed to me, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, I took it, went outside for some fresh air (uhhh, a cigarette..haha) and just tried to calm myself down. Ashley is a godsend because her Xanax really helped me. I've still been on the verge of tears all day, but panic feeling is gone. For now.
I guess I'll just keep praying. That always seems to help the most. :)
I decided today that I'm going to cut off all my hair. When I start feeling like I need a change, I always cut my hair or dye it a different color. haha. That's as crazy as I can get. :)
So, I made an appointment for next week. I'll probably totally regret it after I do it, but it's just hair....it will grow back. :)
My sister and niece are leaving tomorrow to go on a mission trip with their church to Mexico. I really wanted me and Zac to go, but I don't have the PTO to take off from work. :( And after our trip to Chicago, I can't afford to take off with no PTO. But Leah and Lucia will have a wonderful time and I'm super excited for them. Lucia truly has a heart for God. She is in love with God and her church. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her and I can't wait to hear all about it! Man, I'm going to miss them. :( But it's just a week, so....it'll be aight.
Pray for them to have a safe, fun trip!! :)

Post Secret

Getting old.

Looks like we're back to square one. His dad messaged him on Myspace to tell him that his uncle died the night he got out of jail. So, he had to go back to Fort Worth to go to the funeral. But he would be back. Yeah right. I'm so sick of the lies and excuses. I thought for sure that the six months in jail would straighten him up, but I guess not.
If he wants to do his own thing, then I wish he would and just leave my son alone.
Right when Gage starts to get over it and move on, he starts his lies and promises up all over again.
I just don't know what to do anymore. :(

You have to WANT to change, to change.

Once upon a time, he was the best dad ever. I was surprised by how much he cared about his son. He would get him every other weekend, for a month in the summer. He paid child support regularly. We could talk on the phone for hours, like best of friends. Like nothing bad had ever happened between us. It was for our son. That was all we cared about. All the other stuff didn't matter anymore.
Then one day he just seemed to change. He completely stopped paying child support. He slowly stopped coming to get his son. He eventually even stopped calling.
Is it worse to have a great dad, then lose him? Or not ever to have a good dad at all? Is it better to know what you're missing, or never know?
It soon came out that meth was the reason behind it all. Drugs. For 4 years, he chose drugs over his son.
We went to court over and over again, for child support. Everytime, I let him make me believe that he was sorry for what he had done. That he knew our son needed him and he wanted to get back to what they once had. 3 different times I got him out of having to go to jail. In hopes that he had really seen the pain he was causing his son.
The last time we went to court, 6 months ago, I told the judge that he will not change. Just put him in jail. Maybe it's the only way he can change. Maybe he'll have time to get the drugs out of his system. Maybe he'll have time to think about his mistakes and realize how much his son needs him. Especially now, at this point in his life.
But I guess I was wrong, once again.
Because 6 months later, at midnight last night, he was released from jail. And as of right now, we still have not heard from him.
Gage tries to pretend that it doesn't bother him. But I know it does. And it breaks my heart.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
What a disappointment.