You go....me!

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since my last cigarette..



I'm just sayin'.....





woot woot, Stephanie :)

Pause

Well, I'm going to have a pretty busy end of the week/weekend, so this is going to be my last post for a while!! I know, I know.....you're used to me blogging like 5 times a day. But as I've said 5 billion times....Kings of Leon tomorrow night! And moving the rest of the weekend!! Hopefully I'll have pretty much everything done by Sunday. :) (yeah right.)

So, at church tonight a choir from another church and came to sing for us. Oh.my.gosh. They were soooo good. One lady sang Rugged Cross and my eyes watered up.....I had to fight back the tears!! It was wonderful! Oh how I wish I could sing! :/

I'm finally getting the title to my Saturn, from my dad! I've been wanting it to sell, because Lord knows I could use the money. But everything happens for a reason, and I believe the reason it has taken my dad so long to get it to me is because......Jauque's van broke down. :(
She has FIVE kids and one step daughter. She and her husband have only one car between the two of them. And the engine cracked. So, I think I'm going to let her borrow my car until she can get their other one fixed.

Speaking of Jauque, Gage's dad called her yesterday. Which is fine. I mean, we've all been friends for years. But it's just the fact that he hasn't talked to his son in 2 months.
Anyways, he calls her and says,"So, how's my son doing?"
Seriously? I didn't know he was aware of the fact that he HAS a son! She was like..."Uhh, I don't know, why don't you call him yourself and find out." His excuse? "I just don't know how to fix it." She says,"Well, YOU'RE a grown man and believe it or not, your son is almost a grown man, figure it out."
I know the reason he stays away (aside from the drugs) is the $20, 000 he owes me in child support. But I've told him numerous times that his son needs a man in his life. I need the money, but that's not what is important.
He just doesn't get it. I am so frustrated. He will never change. And that is sad for my son.
Oh well. At least he has me! :) And my family. We love him more than he'll ever know!! <3
Ohhh, Zackary, you know I love you, too. Gosh, you get so jealous!
haha.

Alright, blog-readers.....this is it. I hope you enjoyed my last post...for AT LEAST 4 days. Oh my gosh!
You can handle it. ;)

you had a bad day......

Today wasn't such a great day. I had a bit of a panic attack at work. I guess it was just everything that's been going on hitting me all at once. Car trouble, Gage's dad coming back into his life, work has been stressful.
I guess I felt it coming on when Billy got out of jail and started with his excuses. Then he called yesterday wanting to get Gage for the day. I was so confused about what I should do. I don't want to keep him from his dad. He would never forgive me for that. I want to give Billy ANOTHER chance. But I'm so scared he's going to hurt Gage all over again. It was hard, but I let him hang out with him from about 3 to 8 yesterday. Gage came back in a good mood. He's missed his dad a lot the past 8 or so months. I just pray that Billy really tries this time. I've been praying for him. When I'm praying, I say, "Lord, this is so hard for me to pray for this man who has done so much to his son, but I have to...." Just so he knows that I know it's not in my heart to pray for him, but I want it to be, so I'm trying. haha.
So, today we were 2 people short in the office. I was swamped and work was piling up against me. The phone was ringing off the hook and I just lost it for a second there. My heart started racing, I felt like my insides were shaking like crazy, I got all hot. Then Brenda asked if I was ok and that is when...when I always...lose it. I started crying and was just like....I don't know. I'm so confused and I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how much more I can take.
So, Ashley gave me a Xanax. Normally I wouldn't take something...unless prescribed to me, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, I took it, went outside for some fresh air (uhhh, a cigarette..haha) and just tried to calm myself down. Ashley is a godsend because her Xanax really helped me. I've still been on the verge of tears all day, but panic feeling is gone. For now.
I guess I'll just keep praying. That always seems to help the most. :)
I decided today that I'm going to cut off all my hair. When I start feeling like I need a change, I always cut my hair or dye it a different color. haha. That's as crazy as I can get. :)
So, I made an appointment for next week. I'll probably totally regret it after I do it, but it's just hair....it will grow back. :)
My sister and niece are leaving tomorrow to go on a mission trip with their church to Mexico. I really wanted me and Zac to go, but I don't have the PTO to take off from work. :( And after our trip to Chicago, I can't afford to take off with no PTO. But Leah and Lucia will have a wonderful time and I'm super excited for them. Lucia truly has a heart for God. She is in love with God and her church. It's going to be a wonderful experience for her and I can't wait to hear all about it! Man, I'm going to miss them. :( But it's just a week, so....it'll be aight.
Pray for them to have a safe, fun trip!! :)

Getting old.

Looks like we're back to square one. His dad messaged him on Myspace to tell him that his uncle died the night he got out of jail. So, he had to go back to Fort Worth to go to the funeral. But he would be back. Yeah right. I'm so sick of the lies and excuses. I thought for sure that the six months in jail would straighten him up, but I guess not.
If he wants to do his own thing, then I wish he would and just leave my son alone.
Right when Gage starts to get over it and move on, he starts his lies and promises up all over again.
I just don't know what to do anymore. :(

You have to WANT to change, to change.

Once upon a time, he was the best dad ever. I was surprised by how much he cared about his son. He would get him every other weekend, for a month in the summer. He paid child support regularly. We could talk on the phone for hours, like best of friends. Like nothing bad had ever happened between us. It was for our son. That was all we cared about. All the other stuff didn't matter anymore.
Then one day he just seemed to change. He completely stopped paying child support. He slowly stopped coming to get his son. He eventually even stopped calling.
Is it worse to have a great dad, then lose him? Or not ever to have a good dad at all? Is it better to know what you're missing, or never know?
It soon came out that meth was the reason behind it all. Drugs. For 4 years, he chose drugs over his son.
We went to court over and over again, for child support. Everytime, I let him make me believe that he was sorry for what he had done. That he knew our son needed him and he wanted to get back to what they once had. 3 different times I got him out of having to go to jail. In hopes that he had really seen the pain he was causing his son.
The last time we went to court, 6 months ago, I told the judge that he will not change. Just put him in jail. Maybe it's the only way he can change. Maybe he'll have time to get the drugs out of his system. Maybe he'll have time to think about his mistakes and realize how much his son needs him. Especially now, at this point in his life.
But I guess I was wrong, once again.
Because 6 months later, at midnight last night, he was released from jail. And as of right now, we still have not heard from him.
Gage tries to pretend that it doesn't bother him. But I know it does. And it breaks my heart.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
What a disappointment.

Empty glass, last cigarette.....

I told myself that I would quit smoking when I returned home from our trip to Chicago. Here it is, two weeks later....and I'm still smoking. :(
I came home from BWW last night, smelling like smoke. My throat hurting from smoking and talking over all the loud people there. I came in, sat at my computer to play Spider Solitaire [I play it every night before I got to bed, it makes me sleepy:)], and lit my last cigarette out of my pack. And I thought, is there anything good that comes out of smoking? I smell like smoke, I waste a ton of money, I will get wrinkles faster, look older, possibly get lung cancer, mouth cancer, along with many other medical problems that come from smoking. Plus pass on the second hand smoke to my children!
So, I smoked that last cigarette out of my pack. And as of right now, the next day at 5:26 p.m., it was still my last cigarette.
Quitting is so hard. I've done it many times! Once for about 5 years. The last time for about 3 months. But meeting up with friends for a beer, makes me want to have one. In order to take breaks at work, you pretty much have to smoke. I enjoy my smoke breaks with my co worker. And if I were to take breaks with her after quitting, would I be able to resist smoking a cigarette?? Driving to work, I always smoke. Driving home from work, I always smoke. Sitting at my computer, playing Solitaire before bed, I always smoke.
I know it's only been about 16 hours since my last cigarette, but seriously, everywhere I look I see it. Everytime I turn on the tv, someone has a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. Driving my nephew home today, every person I passed had a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.
It's not an attractive thing to see. I've always thought that. When I see people driving with their window cracked, smoke coming out. But seeing it, still makes me want to do it.
I'll probably smoke a cigarette tonight, when I meet up with my friends. I'm going back and forth in my head,"You don't have to!" "But you want to." "You need to quit!" "You don't have to today, though." Oh little angel on my shoulder.....oh, little devil on the other.....we shall see.
We shall see. Am I ready to quit? Hmmmm, we.shall.see.