A his name is.....TOM HARDY!

I have a new crush.
And his name is Tom Hardy.
Have you ever seen "Warrior"?


No???
Then you must!
.best.movie.ever.


.hottest.guy.ever.


Yes, I WILL wash your back for you!


.w.o.w.


I have a thing for hot guys with tattoos.


Seriously. I do.

Look at that hot stomach!!


Awwww, he's even sexy when he doesn't look all tough.


yes, please.

yum.


Oh, you look so handsome! Unbutton that shirt and let me see those tats!


Usually I'd call a guy who takes pictures of himself a douche.
But if he looks like that....can you blame him?!?


Oh.wow. Niiiiice.


Yep. This is my new crush. I must go look up every movie he's in and watch them now. :p

February 27, 1996

Sixteen years ago, my life changed.....for the better.
I remember being a scared 17 year old, pregnant, not knowing what the hell I was doing.
Of course, many people had talks to me about my options, being a young teen. Abortion? No way in hell. Adoption? How could I go on living a child of mine was with someone else? I would go mad. My dad offered to raise him as his own.
That would be even worse than adoption. Seeing my son all the time, but him not knowing who I really am to him. No way.
It wasn't that I was a stupid 17 year old pregnant girl, who didn't think about how life was going to be. I knew it was going to be hard. I prayed every night that I would find a way to figure this out. I remember being 8 months pregnant, one month away from my 18th birthday and the birth of my first child, crying on the phone with my friend, Brian. I was asking him how I was going to raise a boy on my own?? What about when he gets in junior high and clothes are important to kids?? What about when he's 16 and ready to drive....how will I be able to afford a car? He told me to take a deep breath, relax. He said to just take it one day at a time. Not to worry about things that will not happen until many years from now.

This is the first best decision of my life:


It was many years away, and I took it one day at a time, but it seems like a blink of an eye.
My son is 16 years old today.

We had a surprise party for him this weekend, and it was a success!


Me and Jack, decorating a banner to hang up.


Our decorations. The first one is a picture of the special "16" birthday napkins. The next one is the birthday cake table. Then the birthday cake that says,"Clear the road, Gage is 16!" Then a sign Leah made. Me and Lucia hung up pictures Gage, when he was wittle all around :)
The next one was a table set up when you first walk in. I made a memory box and had papers around for people to write messages to him. Some were funny, some were just words of advice, and some made me want to cry. Then the "Party up in hurrrrr" is the sign I made, so people would know what door to go into. A close up of one side of the memory box I made. And the last one, as if you couldn't guess by the letter "a" is a sign Marianne made. haha. What a dork!

Lucia, Zac, Jack, and Gavin, playing pool.....kinda. ;)


Gavin and Jack cheezin' for the camera. I love those sweet boys. I wish I had a video of Gavin dancing! Too funny!!


Marianne and Zackary. Marianne helped me out sooooo much! I would've been so behind if she hadn't helped me out!!
And finally, Gage got there. He was so surprised. His face turned bright red and he just looked around and walked over to me. He said he scared him to death.
score.
This is how Gage described this picture:
"That awkward moment when you walk into your surprise party, don't know what to do, so you just go stand by your mom."
hahaha.

Me and my boys. And Gage's friend Gunner, who screamed "Photo Bomb"! as the pictures were being taken.
dorks.



Me and the birthday boy. When did he get so much taller than me???
Oh yeah...like 2 years ago.
Ridiculous.


And finally, the crazy family. Lacey, Leah, mom, me, my step dad Mike, and Gage.
I just took the disposable cameras to get developed.
Can't wait to see what comes out with those!!

So, today we went to get Gage's license. He passed :/
No, really, I'm happy for him. We did some running around after, he did all the driving. In his new truck, my mom and step dad bought for him. (Not new, new....but new to him, I'll get a pic of him in it up soon!)
We ate at Whataburger, went to Academy, so he could by a camoflauge steering wheel cover, haha.....get his oil changed, and then he took me home and dropped me off :(
School was out by that time and he was ready to go to Cory's house.
I've made him text me everytime he leaves and returns to where ever he goes.
And I hear his truck pulling up now!!! Right on time! :)
Later, bloggers.

pray for me to make it through this time
and for him to be safe, always.

New news

Yay! I'm so excited I'm off tomorrow!! I'm going to be able to get so much done for Gage's surprise birthday on Saturday!
Unfortunately, Coyote Ranch Resort was full this weekend....that's what I get for putting it off until the last minute. But I did manage to get two hotel rooms, right next to each other for Saturday night!
Gage and his friends in one room....and me in the other. Ahhhhh, peace and quite for a whole night...just me! Lovely. I'll probably sleep the whole time! haha.

So, I've been writing about how worried I've been about Gage's dad. It's been over a year since he has seen Gage, almost as long since he's even spoken to him. I found out a few days ago that he is, once again, in jail. He's being held for theft, violation of probation, and child support. Geez, he only owes me about $27,310.00. Ridiculous.
As disgusted as I am that he's in jail, again, I have to admit I was so happy to hear that he's alive. I didn't know if he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. No one in his family has heard from him since this summer, when his dad passed away.
So, of course, the worst is going through my mind. And of course, I'm glad to hear he's still alive.
Rumor has it, that he may be going to prison this time. I wrote him, telling him how sad I am for him, where he is in life right now. But that I have hope. There have been many people in my family that were addicted to drugs. They came through, so I know there's a chance. Maybe prison is what he needs to get clean. Maybe this is finally rock bottom?
He's on my prayer list, has been for many years, and I'll continue to pray for him, hoping that one day, he will get back to being the dad he once was.
As much hope as I have for him, I'm still weary about giving him our address. I rented a post office box this weekend. I told him that if he wants to write Gage, he can. But I haven't told Gage yet about him being in jail.
His birthday/surprise party/license....so many exciting things coming up for him, I don't want to put a damper on that!
So, I figure by the time his dad gets my letter...and decides to write Gage....if he does, it will be after Gage's birthday.

I've been wanting to get a po box for a while now. Living out in the country, there's a lot of mail I feel uncomfortable about being sent to my house.
Also, I want to get back into Postcrossing for me and Zac. I didn't really like having my home address out there.
So I suppose this was the push I needed to get that ball rollin'.
Zac and I are all about postcards and pen pals, so my mailing address is posted on the side, if anyone wants to write us! :)

I hope you all are having a fabulous week!!! I'm super excited about our upcoming weekend!!

peace out

Update.

Tomorrow is already Wednesday!! I still have so much to do for Gage's surprise party on Saturday! I'm looking into getting a couple cabins at the Coyote Ranch Resort. One for Gage and a few of his friends....for after the party and one, hopefully next to it for me! :)

Work has been pretty slow. One of the doctors are on vacation, one is on call, one is just taking a few days off. So, today, I didn't have to be at work until 8. It was so weird getting there so late!!
I'm so used to getting up at 4:15, I still got up and just went to work at my part time job. I was pretty behind there, since I had such a rough week last week. I only worked about 4 hours last week. I'm super behind!!
Thursday we're all taking the day off, because we have NO patients scheduled! That will be perfect, because I can get everything done, that needs to be done, for the party!
I still can't believe that next Monday, my son will be 16 years old and driving.
Can you say,"Panic, Anxiety, Totally Freaking Out!?!?!?!"
ugh.

Sunday we had lunch at my mom's for my birthday. It was delicious....of course.
I hate to admit that it's been a while since I've been to church. But I went Sunday...late, there was only about 20 minutes left. When I sat down, I had this calmness in my heart. It was so peaceful, just sitting there listening to the Lord's word.
I thought.....I need to start coming again. This is what I need. This is what I'm missing.
The reason I went Sunday is because my sweet niece, Lucia, got baptized!
I was sitting at the back of the church, so this isn't a great picture, but I zoomed as far as my phone would let me.



Not that it really matters.....you can only see the tip top of her head. haha. She's so little.
I, of course, in my delicate state lately, cried.
It was a beautiful sight.
If there ever was a little girl who should get baptized, at such a young age, it would be sweet Lu. She has a heart for Jesus. The sweetest, most caring, loving, faithful girl you'd ever meet!
<3

Chop off the hair, chop chop off the hair!

I don't know if it's a woman thing.....or maybe just a thing women in my family do.....OR maybe just a me & Leah thing....
You may be able to relate, but....when things are going really shitty, I crave a change.
A major change. A change that I can control. Is it a control thing? Maybe I feel like everything is out of my hands, every thing's out of control, so I have to find something I can control.
When I'm feeling like this...my big change is usually my hair.
Why?
Because it's not permanent. You can cut your hair....it'll grow back. You can color your hair...then color it back.
So, since I've had no control over my life the past few months....I decided to change my hair.
Drastically.

I know I've probably been venting a little too much about my ADHD child drama, but....man, it's like he's gone to a complete different level.
I'm on the edge.
I'm on the verge.
I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I can be at work and just THINK about something he has done the day before, and I start shaking.
I've cried everyday for the past week.
I feel so helpless. So.....out of control.
Unfortunately, I believe his dad and I have decided it would best for him to move in with him when this school year is over.
I know it will be best for all of us.
I can get a break. Gage can get a break. And Zac can have the father/male influence in his life that he so desperately needs right now.
I cry thinking about it. But I have to remind myself that Russ is his parent too. I'm not the only parent he has.
I feel like a failure. Everyone says I shouldn't....but you know....that's easier said than done.
I'm praying that this change will be wonderful for us all.

So, my total meltdown, spur of the moment thing......

I chopped off all my hair and colored it.
Double whammy.

I freaked immediately after it was done.
I just kept shaking my head no.
But I think I will start to love it.
I've always wanted a short pixie cut/Mia Farrow/Michelle Williams cut.
And if I don't learn to love it.....well, it's just hair.
And it will grow back! :)



P.S.
I need a tan. :)

Fabulous February

Sunday I went to work (my 2nd job). I clocked in about 6:25 a.m. As I was filing in the file room (downtown, all alone, no one in the building), 20 minutes later (6:45 a.m.) the alarm started going off. I waited a minute, thinking it would stop. I thought the office manager had come in, she sometimes does on the weekends, too.
It didn't stop.
With a few files still in my hand, pressed tightly against my chest, I slowly walked around the corner to see if anyone was there.
I went to the alarm and put the code in, hoping it would stop. It kept going. I checked all the doors. They were locked. As far as I could tell, no one else was there.
I figured the alarm company would call the office manager and she would turn it off. I went into her office and heard a door shut, where I was filing before. I peeked around the corner and the door was shut.
I went back to her office, freaking out now. I was debating on whether or not I should call someone. But I figured someone would show up.
15 minutes later, the alarm was still going off. I was still alone. I was still freaking out.
I searched the building, looking for someone's phone number. Finally at 7:15 I found one. One of the girls came up (another 20 minutes later) and we finally figured out how to reset the alarm.
She left and I went back to filing. About 30 minutes later, the alarm went off again. I reset it. Repeat times 5. Finally about 10:45 the office manager and a police officer show up.
Yes. Four hours later.
You know.....they could've found me death, bloody, beaten on the floor.
Makes a person feel safe, right?
(oh yeah, the door shutting, file room doors automatically shut when the alarm goes off. Wish I had known that!! haha.)
Ridiculous.
We still don't know what kept setting it off. All I know is that I will no longer be going in when it's still dark out.

Speaking of dark out....Tuesday night I went to mail out Gage's invitations. It was a beautiful night out!
Look at this awesome full moon!



Gorgeous.


Speaking of gorgeous (bahahahaha).....my aunt sent me a text asking me how my eyeliner was looking. Since it had time to heal and whatnot. I sent her a text back and said:

Like this:

haha. Ya gotta love Hatchet Face.
She responded,"She eff'd a bitch up!!"
Seriously though...it looks awesome, if I do say so myself!! I wore mascara for the first time this week and it looks really good!
It's nice to wake up, wash your face, and go....and already look really awake!!

I don't know if I mentioned this on my blog, I know I did on Facebook. A few weeks ago, Gage came home with a gift he made....just for Zac.
Yes, this is what happens when you let your son watch "Dazed and Confused".
He made a paddle in shop. haha.
I thought it was hilarious....Zac, not so much!!
I'd be lying if I said Zac hasn't been needing it. And I be lying if I said I haven't swatted his little butt with it once or twice!

One thing I love, is when people show their appreciation. The other day a patient brought these in for me, the doctor, and a couple of nurses for being so wonderful!
Awww, shucks. What can I say....?


I'm not much of a sweets eater, so I gave mine away...but it's still the thought that counts!

I have so much to look forward to this month!
Tomorrow is Friday! Holla!!!!
We're getting Branding Iron brought to us at work (YUM)! Because we had a perfect score for the year on our surveys.
Like I said.....we're pretty awesome.
Saturday a girl at my work is throwing a "Passion Party"!! Fun, fun!!!
Thursday is my birthday. Sunday is my birthday lunch at my mom's.
Hello, pork chops, fried potatoes, green bean, and Red Velvet Cake.
Or as Zac would say,"Red Violet Cake".
The weekend after is Gage's surprise party.
I've been buying things here and there for the big day!
I'm just praying his little friends don't spill the beans!!!
You know how boys are. Especially teenage boys! :)

Anyways, that's what's been happenin' with me! :)

peace out.

sixteen years old....WHAT?!?!?

Happy Saturday! Man, I love weekends!
I'm spending my Saturday trying to arrange Gage's 16th birthday SURPRISE party!
It's not an easy thing. I have the date, I have the location, and his friends are helping me with the invite list. With the people he's friends with at school, but I don't really know well.
I'm hoping a lot of our family will be able to be there to celebrate this huge milestone.
So far, two family member and one of Gage's best friends are unable to make it the weekend that I'm having it. :(
I'm a little disappointed, but I guess it's to be expected.
When I first thought of this idea, I was so super excited. But now that I'm planning it.....I have no idea what I'm doing.
What in the world do I set up for 16 year old boys???
I think I'm going to have a karaoke machine, a couple games tables set up, hot dogs, cake, ummmm......what else?
Any ideas out there? I'm struggling here. I've never been a teenage boy, so I have no idea.
All I know, is this is a big day, and I want it to be perfect. But I'm feeling a little on the lame side right now.

So, yeah.....any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! :)

take me back....

On the way to work Thursday morning...at 5:10 a.m., in the complete darkness of my road... no lights along the road, anywhere....THE song came on.
"Every Breath You Take"
And I was 8 years old again.

When I was little, I hated to be alone. I hated to sleep alone. I hated to be left home alone. All the way up until I was about 13. When I was 13, I was able to sleep by myself, but it was hard. I still hated being alone at home, even at the age of 16 and older.
I didn't need anyone right by my side, but I didn't feel safe unless I knew someone else was in the house with me.....someone who was SUPPOSED to be there, anyways.

So, when I was about 7 or 8, we lived in Decatur. It was a 3 bedroom apartment. We lived at the top of a hill. All along the road, at the end of the hill, and surrounding most of the apartment complex was a ditch. There were tons of trees all around.
During the day, I played in the ditch from sun up to sun down. My sister and I had a clubhouse built in there. Ditch=dumping ground, to some people. So we had a little couch down there and a dresser. It was the ultimate play area.
Of course, every night when we came home, my mom made us strip down so she could check us for ticks.
gross.

Like I said, during the day, the ditch was ahhhhsome! But when it was time for bed; in my cold little room, in my uncomfortable twin size bed, that was placed neatly under the window, facing the sloping hill, that lead to the road, and then the ditch; it wasn't so ahhhhsome anymore.
It was complete darkness, with who know what creeping through, stopping randomly because something caught their eye....oh yes, MY bedroom window.

Every night I would lay there, heart pounding, waiting until I was sure everyone was asleep. When I thought they were, I would quietly sneak into my sister's room and oh so slowly, slither into her bed.
But that wasn't always enough. Sometimes I had to reach my foot out, until I felt she was there, and then I would be out like a light. (and I get so mad at Zac for doing the exact same thing! aww.)

Leah is 3 1/2 years older than me, so she was about 11. She was at the age where her and her little girlfriends would have sleep overs. A majority of them, it seemed, were at her friends' houses. No doubt that it had something to do with her annoying little sister's constant presence.
Needless to say, I dreaded hearing the words,"Can I stay the night at Eskai's?"
noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
On those nights, I would sleep in Leah's bed. I would turn on her stereo, low. Not loud enough to keep me awake, but loud enough to drown out any creaking in the apartment that would keep me up late.
I remember being cuddled up in her bed late one night, trying so hard to fall asleep and "Every Breath You Take" came on.

"Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you"

OH MY GOSH! This is my fear. Someone watching me. Someone watching me everyday! Listening to every word I say!! Watching me and my friends play games!! Every night when I'm in bed, feeling like someone is watching me.....they're watching me!!!
Yes. Those were the crazy thoughts that went through my head.
The song scared me to death. I slunk out of Leah's bed with a pillow and blanket, slid in between her bed and her dresser. Popped my hand up really fast and turned off the radio!
And I slept there, on the floor...out of view of the window, the rest of the night.

And now, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of that one night.
I still think the song is creepy.
I still would rather not hear it when it's dark out, and I'm alone.

just sayin'.


Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

O can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

.best.birthday.gift.EVER. just sayin'

Well, hello there, Fellow Bloggers! :)
In my last post, I told you that my birthday was coming up and I was on my way out to get an early birthday present! So, here it is!!!

My eyes.....on my way to get my birthday gift....



My eyes..... a few hours after getting my birthday gift!



Please excuse the puffy face. After all....I did get TATTOOED......on my FACE!!! Yep, permanent eyeliner! (and excuse the hair...I promise to cut and color it soon...)


.best.gift.ever.

If you know me.....you know I'm such a low maintenance girl. So NOT girlie at all!! I have to pump myself up in the mornings to put on my eyeliner and mascara. It's a beating, I swear!
I've been without for the past few weeks....especially with my emotional state and all.
(Little sister getting married, Zac's ADHD, Gage turning 16, working 10-12 hours a day, etc)

So, how great is this??? I can cry any time I want...and still look at least half way decent!!
haha.

I admit...I had to take a Xanax before going. I was quite shaky and unsure if I could go through with it.
I've gotten two tattoos before....but NEVER by my eyeball!!! Needless to say, I was freaking out!
But it wasn't bad at all! The woman who did it is a national master/instructor, she does the certification for others and what not. She works out of Dallas but makes her way down to little ole WF once a month or so.
So....obviously I got the best of the best. haha.
No swelling, no bruising, and very little pain.
Who says, "No pain, no gain"!!