You spoke to me.....

Ok, so here's what's been going on this week. Yesterday while I was at work, I had a panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, or something was wrong with my heart. I felt like I could feel my heart actually flip flop in my chest. My chest was so tight. Ashley took my blood pressure and it was like 135/89....or something like that. It was high for me, usually I run about 118/72...or so. Anywaaaaays. Brenda and Ashley asked if I was anxious about anything. I was like,"no, not really." But then I started thinking.....
So, here's the story...
My dad's side of the family has not had a big Christmas together since before Zac was born. That's over 7 years. We used to have it at my aunt and uncle's house, but they moved to New Mexico when they retired. Plus some relatives moved to Dallas, Austin, and whatnot.
I guess that happens as you get older :( Well, we started just going to my dad's for Christmas. But we've even stopped doing that. My step monster is a little passive aggressive and like to take jabs behind everyone's back. She'd talk about my sister and my mom to me, when it's just us. Or she'll talk to Leah about me when I'm not around.
Of course, little does she know, since we never really talk to her, me and Leah are best friends and we tell eachother everything. oops, sorry wicked stepmother.
Ok, a little off subject.
This year, Leah has invited the entire side of my dad's family to her house for Christmas. I think it is wonderful. I'm excited about seeing everyone all together all at once again! I'll get to meet Carrie and Jorge's new addition, Ava. I'll get to chill with my cousin Ashley, I love that girl...and maybe I can talk her into bringing her tat stuff and tatting me up while she's here ;)
I asked Leah if dad was coming. My dad doesn't really have anything to do with his side of the family. Let's just say, it has to do with (his) past mistakes and refusing to talk about it. It has to do with a family that likes to drink and have a good time....and someone who let that kind of thing control his life for a long time...finally got out of it...and doesn't want to be around it.
I totally understand. I think it's wonderful when someone knows not to put themselves into a situation they shouldn't.
Surprisingly, Leah said my dad and little brother are coming! I'm excited. I haven't seen or talked to my dad since July. I figured it's because someone has been whispering in his ear for the past 29 years and maybe he's starting to believe her lies? I don't know.
So, I asked Leah, if SHE was coming? She said she doesn't know for sure if she's working (we're doing it on a Monday), but probably.
Hello, anxiety.
What do you do when someone you absolutely cannot stand is going to be in the same house as you...all day?
I thought....do I completely ignore her....act like she doesn't even exsist? Or do I kill her with kindness?
The thought of killing her with kindness makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I can't pretend! How can I pretend to a woman who has lied and caused trouble in our family for so many years???

Then I went to church tonight.
And tonight's lesson was meant for me.

Love one another.
Love others as God loves you.
Do not not love someone, just because you know you will not get anything in return.
Love is not selfish.
Sometimes in darkness, your love can be the only light. That one glimmer that someone else needed.

I sat there shaking my head, during the whole service...thinking, ok, God. I know what I gotta do. I gotta suck it up.
Will it be hard? Oh yes. It will be.
But I'm gonna try, dang it! :)


Oh, and I wasn't having a heart attack :) It was anxiety. I took a half of a Xanax and I felt my heart quit pounding, the tightening in the chest let up.
I took a couple deep breaths and felt a little better. :)