sob story

Have you ever had one of those days, where you feel like nothing can right. and nothing will ever go right again?
You feel like everyone is against you. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You're tired of pretending you can handle anything that comes your way,
because it seems like more comes. Maybe just to prove you wrong?
Like, oh..yeah, look at you, acting like none of this bothers you....Well, I'll show you!

Yeah, well.....it hasn't just been one of those days, it's been one of those weeks.
A few crappy things that have happened.

Friday night I had planned on taking Gage and Travis to see "Scream 4". Leah was going to watch Zac for me. But as some of you may have heard, we had major fires here in Wichita Falls. Out where my mom lives, everyone was being evacuated. So, my mom and step dad were going to have to go stay at Leah's. Zac is a lot to handle, so I decided to wait until he was at his dad's to take the boys.

The minute I turned on my street, I could smell smoke. When we got home, we could smell it, even in the house. It was ridiculous. I didn't sleep very well, knowing that the fires were out of control all over town.

Gage's grandma died Thursday. Billy didn't even call to tell me or Gage. His sister text messaged me Saturday morning to tell me. The actual day of the funeral. The funeral that was also 1 1/2 hours out of town.
Did Billy show up to pick up his son and take him to his grandma's funeral? No.
Did Billy even show up to his mother's funeral? No.
How is that even possible?

Zac's Prozac is really helping him (for his anxiety)! Which is bringing out the ADHD even more. I was a nervous wreck all weekend with him. I couldn't even be in his presence without getting worn out.
Luckily, he had a doctor appointment on Monday, to talk about his medication.
We decided that we were going to start him on some ADHD medication.

I turned in the prescription Monday, started him on it Tuesday morning.
The doctor said it was an instant medication. I would see a difference the first day. It will also stay in his system for 12 hours. So, we have to give it to him early, so he can fall asleep at night.

He took it at 7:00 am Tuesday morning.
I picked him up from school and he seemed a little on edge. He wasn't all hyper like he usually is, but just.....on edge.
He was like that for the rest of the day. His mouth (jaw) was moving back and forth. Just like a meth-head does. Which his doctor says is normal, it is a stimulant, until his body gets used to it, he'll do that.

Well, around 7:30...when the medicine starting wearing off, he became an emotional mess. He was crying, apologizing, clingy. He sat in my lap and cried, told me he was sorry for always telling me no. He was sorry for not minding like he should. He loves me, I'm a good mom. He just wants me to be proud of him.

Needless to say, I started crying. I tried to tell him it was ok. It was just the medicine, he had to get used to it.
I finally got him in bed (after numerous times of him getting out of bed to cry and apologize).
He was watching tv, sniffing, so I went and got in bed.
Annnnnd, he was up again. Not only was he up again....he was up all night. He was no longer emotional, but he was awake. Wide awake. All. Night. Long.
We watched tv, ate cereal (at 3 a.m.)...because of course, the medicine makes you not hungry. He hadn't eaten since taking the medicine the day before.

So, at 4:15 (when I usually wake up) I put Toy Story 3 on for him and took a shower, got ready for work.
I texted his doctor and the doctor said it was odd that he was up all night. He said to try again this weekend, when we can afford to miss a night of sleep.
So, I guess that's what we're going to do.
I really hate the process of trying new medications. Trying to find the right one can be so hard.

Wedneday at work, I was an emotional mess. The combination of Zac's reaction to the medication and NO sleep just made me emotional.
I didn't talk much at work, I didn't want to talk about it, because I knew I would probably end up crying.

Zac had a dentist appointment at noon on Wednesday. His dad took him, since I had to work. His dad called to ask about some insurance information, so I asked to talk to Zac. I asked him if he was sleepy,"Nope! Are you?" haha. Yeah, I'm exhausted, boy!

His dad said he finally fell asleep at 9:30 that night and slept well.
I got off work, picked up Gage from school and was asleep at 3:15. Gage woke me up at 4:25 because I promised him I would take him and Travis to see "Scream 4".
So, I got out of my cozy bed, a little dazed, and took them to the movie. It was over at 7:00, I was home and asleep before 8:00 p.m.
The movie was pretty good. But then again, I'm just a fan of the Scream movies!
Kinda scary, pretty funny, makes fun of itself.

So, in the words of the sexy Justin Timberlake (again)...

Cry Me a River.

Because it's been a crappy week. And I'm praying for a better weekend. I need a pick me up. Cause I've been soooo down!!

for realz

Oh...by the way...

More snow today. Lovely. Although it's really not as bad as last week. At least it's just snow, not snow on top of ice. So, remember me telling you about the man that was looking in my sister's window in broad daylight last week? Well, the night before last, her dog was barking and barking at 2:30 in the morning. She looked out the back door, didn't see anything. So, she went to look out the kitchen window...and there was a man standing beside her car. He crouched down and they had a staring contest. Finally he ducked down and took off. Scary. This has been happening a little too often. Last night we were watching a movie and the dog started barking. I jerked my head around and stared at Leah, wide eyed....she just laughed at me. I was just a little bit scared. :) I guess it was nothing though, because the dog stopped barking and we didn't hear either one of our alarms on our cars go off. Brenda at work said she should call the police department, just to tell them about the past couple weeks, so they could patrol the neighborhood. I concur. I'm so glad that I made it to work today. I cannot handle any more time off. Plus all my appointments and Zac's appointments are taking time out of work too! Zac's doctor appointments alone are breaking me, money wise!! Monday he had an eye appointment. Today he has a dentist appointment. Tomorrow we have his appointment to see about medication for his anxiety/ADHD. Therapy every 2 weeks. UGH! But I really can't complain because the therapy really seems to be helping! Although his wrist twisting has seemed to stop, he is now blinking non-stop. Which is why he had an eye appointment on Monday, but his vision is fine. I guess it's a new thing. Weird. His next therapy session is Tuesday, so we'll talk about his new tick. Friday I have to go to court for the 5 hundred millionth time! UGH! What is the point?? Five years and $23,000 + of back child support....there is really no reason. Oh well, at least I can say I'm doing my part. blah. The the week after next, I'm FINALLY taking Beauty to get her fixed. I can't handle puppies again!! I wanted to keep them all!! And I don't even like animals all that much :) Soooo, I seem to have accomplished the quitting smoking. I have not had a cigarette since September...something. My new goal, give up Dr Pepper. If you know me, you know this is REALLY going to be a challenge. More so than cigarettes I think. I started smoking when I was 15. I started my addiction to Dr Pepper at age 11. All I drink all day, everyday is Dr Pepper. I'm on day 2 of no Dr Pepper. I had a major head ache yesterday, but today I'm doing ok. :) Hopefully I can do this!

More appointments....ugh.

Ok, I had to make an appointment with my doctor. I think it's ridiculous that I can't have something on my mind without my heart flip-flopping around and having that tight chest feeling. It's ridiculous.

So, today's anxiety attack is brought to you by: Zac's follow up appointment. I'm leaving work in about 15 minutes to get Zac's test results.

Of course, my sister is going with me. I'm emotionally challenged and apparently can't do anything by myself these days without having panic attacks or nervous break downs.

I don't understand. I used to be so patient, so calm about everything. No worries.

Well, of course I had worries, but they never caused such a reaction as I get now.

Ridiculous.

So, anywayssssssss, as nervous as I am, I'm ready to get Zac's results today! :)

Oh, and only 9 more days until Christmas?!?!!? What the heck is that??? Santa needs to get on the ball and get some gifts for my boys!! :)

Like mother, like daughter

I'm turning into my mother.
I always said I wouldn't.
But don't we all say that?
I used to get so mad at my mom for never getting out of the house. She would say,"I feel gross, I have nothing to wear, I just want to sit and relax."
That's me, now.
I cannot rememer the last time I made myself get out of the house....I mean, childless, to hang out with friends.
I was supposed to go to a friends big event last night and I didn't. I had planned on it all day, and at the last minute, I just didn't. I had nothing to wear. I was tired. I felt bad, knowing I wanted to be there, knowing I said I would be, but I couldn't make myself get up and get ready.

I cannot remember the last time I put on make up.
Ok, I don't really wear make up anyways, but I used to wear mascara and eyeliner! I don't even do that anymore.
Look at my Thanksgiving pictures.

Tonight is my friend Angela's 30th birthday. Another plan that I have made for tonight. I really want to go. I have all intentions of going.
I tell myself I'm going to take a shower, get dressed, put on some make up, feel good, get out and drink a beer. Enjoy some adult time.
But maybe I'm just doomed to be my mother.
A loner.
A hermit.
A recluse.
I feel myself not wanting to be that....but yet, I am.

Kinda depressing, right?

So, my apologies go to Ms. Marianne and Ms. Micaela. I am so sorry I missed such an amazing night.