sob story

Have you ever had one of those days, where you feel like nothing can right. and nothing will ever go right again?
You feel like everyone is against you. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You're tired of pretending you can handle anything that comes your way,
because it seems like more comes. Maybe just to prove you wrong?
Like, oh..yeah, look at you, acting like none of this bothers you....Well, I'll show you!

Yeah, well.....it hasn't just been one of those days, it's been one of those weeks.
A few crappy things that have happened.

Friday night I had planned on taking Gage and Travis to see "Scream 4". Leah was going to watch Zac for me. But as some of you may have heard, we had major fires here in Wichita Falls. Out where my mom lives, everyone was being evacuated. So, my mom and step dad were going to have to go stay at Leah's. Zac is a lot to handle, so I decided to wait until he was at his dad's to take the boys.

The minute I turned on my street, I could smell smoke. When we got home, we could smell it, even in the house. It was ridiculous. I didn't sleep very well, knowing that the fires were out of control all over town.

Gage's grandma died Thursday. Billy didn't even call to tell me or Gage. His sister text messaged me Saturday morning to tell me. The actual day of the funeral. The funeral that was also 1 1/2 hours out of town.
Did Billy show up to pick up his son and take him to his grandma's funeral? No.
Did Billy even show up to his mother's funeral? No.
How is that even possible?

Zac's Prozac is really helping him (for his anxiety)! Which is bringing out the ADHD even more. I was a nervous wreck all weekend with him. I couldn't even be in his presence without getting worn out.
Luckily, he had a doctor appointment on Monday, to talk about his medication.
We decided that we were going to start him on some ADHD medication.

I turned in the prescription Monday, started him on it Tuesday morning.
The doctor said it was an instant medication. I would see a difference the first day. It will also stay in his system for 12 hours. So, we have to give it to him early, so he can fall asleep at night.

He took it at 7:00 am Tuesday morning.
I picked him up from school and he seemed a little on edge. He wasn't all hyper like he usually is, but just.....on edge.
He was like that for the rest of the day. His mouth (jaw) was moving back and forth. Just like a meth-head does. Which his doctor says is normal, it is a stimulant, until his body gets used to it, he'll do that.

Well, around 7:30...when the medicine starting wearing off, he became an emotional mess. He was crying, apologizing, clingy. He sat in my lap and cried, told me he was sorry for always telling me no. He was sorry for not minding like he should. He loves me, I'm a good mom. He just wants me to be proud of him.

Needless to say, I started crying. I tried to tell him it was ok. It was just the medicine, he had to get used to it.
I finally got him in bed (after numerous times of him getting out of bed to cry and apologize).
He was watching tv, sniffing, so I went and got in bed.
Annnnnd, he was up again. Not only was he up again....he was up all night. He was no longer emotional, but he was awake. Wide awake. All. Night. Long.
We watched tv, ate cereal (at 3 a.m.)...because of course, the medicine makes you not hungry. He hadn't eaten since taking the medicine the day before.

So, at 4:15 (when I usually wake up) I put Toy Story 3 on for him and took a shower, got ready for work.
I texted his doctor and the doctor said it was odd that he was up all night. He said to try again this weekend, when we can afford to miss a night of sleep.
So, I guess that's what we're going to do.
I really hate the process of trying new medications. Trying to find the right one can be so hard.

Wedneday at work, I was an emotional mess. The combination of Zac's reaction to the medication and NO sleep just made me emotional.
I didn't talk much at work, I didn't want to talk about it, because I knew I would probably end up crying.

Zac had a dentist appointment at noon on Wednesday. His dad took him, since I had to work. His dad called to ask about some insurance information, so I asked to talk to Zac. I asked him if he was sleepy,"Nope! Are you?" haha. Yeah, I'm exhausted, boy!

His dad said he finally fell asleep at 9:30 that night and slept well.
I got off work, picked up Gage from school and was asleep at 3:15. Gage woke me up at 4:25 because I promised him I would take him and Travis to see "Scream 4".
So, I got out of my cozy bed, a little dazed, and took them to the movie. It was over at 7:00, I was home and asleep before 8:00 p.m.
The movie was pretty good. But then again, I'm just a fan of the Scream movies!
Kinda scary, pretty funny, makes fun of itself.

So, in the words of the sexy Justin Timberlake (again)...

Cry Me a River.

Because it's been a crappy week. And I'm praying for a better weekend. I need a pick me up. Cause I've been soooo down!!

for realz

Saturday Night.

Tonight, Gage and his girlfriend, Melissa, baby sat Lucia and Jack while me and Leah went to a movie.
Lucia had a good time with them.
She painted Gage and Melissa's nails and did their hair up in bows. :)
Gage painted Lucia and Jack's nails, too.

What movie did I see, you ask? Well, "Blue Valentine" of course.
Can I just say that Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams were wonderful in this movie.


They played the parts perfect. My heart ached watching it.
I could really relate to Michelle's role and it was heartbreaking.
To be in a marriage that just...isn't. To get to that point where you just can't take it anymore. For him to touch you, makes you cringe. To feel like you have to "be with" him, because you're married and feel that it's your "duty".
To want so bad to make it work, because you know that's what they want...but you're just to the point where you can't. You just can't.
I've been there.
And Ryan's part. I saw him in his part, too.
The constant need for attention. The child-like behavior. The thinking that they're so funny, when really...they're just annoying.
Also the sadness of seeing them try so hard, but that trying so hard only pushes you further away.

It's just a perfect story.

Dean (Ryan Gosling):
I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option... 'Oh he's got a good job.' I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around.

My heart broke yesterday....

Yesterday a girl that used to work with me at the Endo Center came in to visit us. She quit a couple years ago, because she and her husband adopted a baby and starting fostering kids.
She brought her cute little girl in and another baby they are adopting. She also brought in a little boy that is staying with them. She has two other foster kids also, but they were at school.
We asked the little boy how old he is and he said,"Five." Ashley said,"My little girl is about to be five, too! We're having her birthday party this weekend." He said,"Oh, you have visitation with her this weekend?"
Me and Ashley both, were just heartbroken. My eyes watered up, Ashley's eyes watered up. Ashley told him,"No, she stays with me."
How heartbreaking that that poor little boy thinks that his life is normal. That kids go and stay with other adults and just get visitation with their parents? He broke my heart. I just wanted to grab him and hug him and bring him home with me and love him and take care of him.
Emily is one special girl. It takes a special person to take these kids in and be there for them when their parents aren't.
I wish I could do it. But I'm such an emotional mess, I would cry constantly.
Heartbreaking.

Blue Valentine

So, I saw the previews to a new movie that I sooo want to see.
The only thing that SUCKS is that it being released in limited areas. Which, of course, means good ole Wichita Falls won't be showing it in their theater.
Seriously aggravating.
I guess I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD. laaaame.

Anyways, the movie stars one of my main movie star crushes...Ryan Gosling.
Hello, the Notebook! Fell in LOVE with him in that.
Also Lars and the Real Girl. Heartbreaking.
Not to mention Half Nelson. Wonderful.
He's just an amazing actor who shows emotion so well. Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. :) Opposite my boyfriend, stars the beautiful Michelle Williams.
Ok, so the movie is called 'Blue Valentine'. It a story, past and present of their relationship. Supposedly they go to a hotel room for a night to save their marriage. It goes back to the beginning of the love. You know...that beginning love...where you feel like nothing can go wrong. There's a lot of laughs and silliness. :) Then comes the problems, of course. Then it comes to a point where someone wants out. But the other doesn't. Right? Because that's how it usually goes. One wants to fight for the relationship and the other is just done. But it's heartbreaking, because you want to be what you once were....you just don't know how to get it back.
This is what this preview tells me anyways.
I wanted to cry just watching the previews.
I can't wait until I get to see it.
I love you, Ryan Gosling. :)

So, here's the preview...watch it, love it, want to see it....just like me. <3 style="background-image: url("http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/rHbJn2rC8s8/hqdefault.jpg");" width="480" height="295">